Its Monday. They tell me its really nice outside. I wouldn't know. I have spent the day talking into the big white telephone.
Its has been a really weird week. I was up chucky all of last week. Nothing seemed to be working. Not gingerale, not pot, not gravol. There was nothing to do except crab and throw up,.
We went to Peterpatch on Thursday and Tobin took more blood. This is the make or break test. Now I have a giant bruise where she took the samples. Doesn't usually happen. Must be a platelet thing.
I am getting very frustrated with my inablility to do anything. There is lots and lots of little crap to be done. "I d on't care" seems to have become my motto. Tobin and I discussed the "numbness for want of a better word to describe how I am feeling. Or not feeling. I feel emotionally shot full of novacaine. I can watch everything happening but I can't seem to feel deeply enough about anything to invest emotionally. Tobin said she understood being the creative right brained creature that I am but that it is necessary to protect my right brain. Oh well, only 34 weeks to go. Will anyone still love me when its over?Yuck I am a great big blob of selfpity aren't I. It could be worse. ...
I have had two baths in my soaky tub today. So it could be worse. Did I mention I love my tub. I would sleep in it if I thought I wouldn't drown. But it would be a glorious way to go. Seeping in bubble bath and epson salts. At least I wouldn't dry out. And I would smell glorious. I would like to meet God smelling glorious. He probably deals with enough stinky people as it is.
peace out
g
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday musings
Its Tuesday so I have survived yet another monday. Thats 11 treatments now. One more and we do the viral load check again. I have finally found something to deal with the sores on my tongue and the organic nausea drug is working very well.
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sucks to bealone in Hep C Land
Ten weeks in. Have found an organic solution to the nausea and am taking antibiotics for the sores on my tongue and in my throat No sign I am losing my hair and I sleep about 15 hours a day.
I find that this far in friends are sort of getting back to business. Not that they don't love and support me, its just that I am not doing anything very interesting right now so everyone is sort going about business as usual.
Its like a marathon. Everyone I love was cheering me across the starting line and I know they will be at the finish line, its just this is a long and boring stretch and there are not alot of people lining the road. Some, and I thank you, but not all.
I would love get well cards. They are cheery and cheery is good. E-mails are good too. And short phone conversation.
Lynda is making me rice pudding with raisins cuz I love it. Beth is going to make me stuffed red peppers. Glenda has a thousand ways to let me know she loves me.
Krista just fills me up. I hope I remember the lessons I am learning about loving friends through illness.
Gotta go. I'll be jollier next time. I promise.
I find that this far in friends are sort of getting back to business. Not that they don't love and support me, its just that I am not doing anything very interesting right now so everyone is sort going about business as usual.
Its like a marathon. Everyone I love was cheering me across the starting line and I know they will be at the finish line, its just this is a long and boring stretch and there are not alot of people lining the road. Some, and I thank you, but not all.
I would love get well cards. They are cheery and cheery is good. E-mails are good too. And short phone conversation.
Lynda is making me rice pudding with raisins cuz I love it. Beth is going to make me stuffed red peppers. Glenda has a thousand ways to let me know she loves me.
Krista just fills me up. I hope I remember the lessons I am learning about loving friends through illness.
Gotta go. I'll be jollier next time. I promise.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Hump Day
I'm back!!
Well not really. I didn't go anywhere. Well thats not entirely true either. I did go to Peterborough with Andre on Thursday to see Tobin. Pep talk, doing well, faith in me, lots of Positive reinforcement etc etc etc.. But its part of her job and I don't know how she does it.
She deals with more HIV/Aids patients that Hep C patients and where she finds the inner light to shine for those dealing with that issue is beyond me.
Except that when I go too far down sucks to me lane I think of Tobin and the patients who really have little hope and I turn around and come back.
Where was I? Oh yes, Peterborough. I gave up lunch at Red Lobster to have lunch with my son. Still not sure if was the right choice. OH OF COURSE IT WAS! I'm just being cranky cuz I got no sleep last night. The sores on my tongue seemed to have moved onto my right ear and throat and I am having trouble swallowing (cuz it hurts). Damn I do keep wandering today.
We went to the Brick and bought new furniture for the living room. So the old stuff is under the carport, the new stuff is in the truck and I am sitting on the floor. WELL NOT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Ryan and Catherine came for a Canada Day Burgers thing that was nice. Really I wanted my son's strong back to carry boxes from the basement with all the stuff from the old kitchen. And help his dad carry out the old sofa on account of Andre can still hardly stand up straight what with putting his back out while walking funny trying to compensate for his broken toe. Geez, having a busted liver seems insignificant in the face of all that.
Anyway I need beverage, I need to sweep the new floor, I need to put on a bra before the delivery guys arrive and I scare them to death.
flinging love into the universe
g
Well not really. I didn't go anywhere. Well thats not entirely true either. I did go to Peterborough with Andre on Thursday to see Tobin. Pep talk, doing well, faith in me, lots of Positive reinforcement etc etc etc.. But its part of her job and I don't know how she does it.
She deals with more HIV/Aids patients that Hep C patients and where she finds the inner light to shine for those dealing with that issue is beyond me.
Except that when I go too far down sucks to me lane I think of Tobin and the patients who really have little hope and I turn around and come back.
Where was I? Oh yes, Peterborough. I gave up lunch at Red Lobster to have lunch with my son. Still not sure if was the right choice. OH OF COURSE IT WAS! I'm just being cranky cuz I got no sleep last night. The sores on my tongue seemed to have moved onto my right ear and throat and I am having trouble swallowing (cuz it hurts). Damn I do keep wandering today.
We went to the Brick and bought new furniture for the living room. So the old stuff is under the carport, the new stuff is in the truck and I am sitting on the floor. WELL NOT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Ryan and Catherine came for a Canada Day Burgers thing that was nice. Really I wanted my son's strong back to carry boxes from the basement with all the stuff from the old kitchen. And help his dad carry out the old sofa on account of Andre can still hardly stand up straight what with putting his back out while walking funny trying to compensate for his broken toe. Geez, having a busted liver seems insignificant in the face of all that.
Anyway I need beverage, I need to sweep the new floor, I need to put on a bra before the delivery guys arrive and I scare them to death.
flinging love into the universe
g
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