What a beautiful day. I have been sitting in the backyard reading for the first time this year. Of course the fact that the guys are laying flooring in the kitchen makes the backyard that much more appealing.
We went to Crystal Lake yesterday afternoon for dinner. It was delicious being there beside the lake and trying to remember when I didn't feel like crap.
Tomorrow we go to Peterborough to see Tobin. Its been eight weeks now. It feels quick when I look back and like it will be forever if I look forward. So I am trying not too
I feel very dull today. Like I have nothing deep, inspirational or meaningful to say. Physically I guess I am doing ok but spiritually I am getting weary. I can't imagine where I am going to draw from for the next 40 weeks. I keep telling myself its this or death but then really we are all going to die sometime so that argument really doesn't work. I am doing this because....... Gee I don't remember why I am doing this, I just am. Its like why climb the mountain - because its there.
Why would I get the illness if surviving the treatment wasn't import in a learning sort of way. Ok God, I'm taking your damn test. Do I have to wait 40 weeks for my grade. And it better be an "A".
flinging love into the universe
g
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Half full half empty
Well its Thursday and I heard today from Tobin. My test results are in. My viral load is not gone but it has gone down. She says thats amazing considering the stage of the disease I am at.
But it also means that I have to go to 48 weeks not 26 as I had hoped. My sister/friend Krista says she wasn't surprised, that I am a complete warrior and I wouldn't settle for a battle half won. That my spirit has to beat this thing into the ground. I will keep that in mind when I want to curl up in a ball and feel so sorry for myself that i just want to die. Except apparently there is a good chance that I am not going to die, so dying now would seem pretty pointless. Am I making any sense?
I need it to get warm and sunny but then so does everyone else. I am going to a summer solstice celebration on Saturday night. It is an Andean Circle celebration and I know the energy there will do much for my soul. I am going with Wanda who I haven't seen in awhile and she is also a light Warrior and a friend so I will sharpen my battle axe and go.
I have decided that when this is all over and I have emerged victorious I am going to get a tattoo to honour the victory. I think I will have it put on the inside of my wrist to remind me of what I am capable of.
Of what we all are capable of. God, I'm so deep and interesting!
flinging love into the universe
gayle
But it also means that I have to go to 48 weeks not 26 as I had hoped. My sister/friend Krista says she wasn't surprised, that I am a complete warrior and I wouldn't settle for a battle half won. That my spirit has to beat this thing into the ground. I will keep that in mind when I want to curl up in a ball and feel so sorry for myself that i just want to die. Except apparently there is a good chance that I am not going to die, so dying now would seem pretty pointless. Am I making any sense?
I need it to get warm and sunny but then so does everyone else. I am going to a summer solstice celebration on Saturday night. It is an Andean Circle celebration and I know the energy there will do much for my soul. I am going with Wanda who I haven't seen in awhile and she is also a light Warrior and a friend so I will sharpen my battle axe and go.
I have decided that when this is all over and I have emerged victorious I am going to get a tattoo to honour the victory. I think I will have it put on the inside of my wrist to remind me of what I am capable of.
Of what we all are capable of. God, I'm so deep and interesting!
flinging love into the universe
gayle
Monday, June 16, 2008
Fathers day
Its monday, its needle day and I have already tossed my breakfast so please forgive me if my sense of humour is a little out of whack.
I have had three baths in my soakie tub in the last 24 hours. It doesn't really help the nausea but it is relaxing so I can cope.
We went to Beths for fathers day dinner. She made her dad a turkey with all the fixings (his request). She is a fine cook, my daughter. Makes me proud. We cut out right after dinner. I can't do alot of people for very long. I did manage a chat with Hannah, my 6 year old granddaughter about who was cooler. Alvin or Theodore. Apparently Simon was not in the running. My children and grandchildren adore Andre. If there was nothing else right about our relationship (and there is lots) he is the best father I know. The kids know that their world will always be safe as long as Andre is in it. Must be a great feeling.
I don't speak much of my father. but I think of him around fathers day. He was a journalist, in the forties tradition of fedora's with a press sign on the hat. He would have loved computers. He was brilliant and charming and really funny. He had a way with the ladies. It was a power he used for evil not for good, and oh yes. He was an alcoholic. I really didn't know him well since, like most alcoholics he had two personalities. The sober man and the drunken one.
I like to think that the best of me came from him. And through this journey I have figured out that perhaps he suffered from depression as well. Only in his day you drowned it in booze.
Its moot now since he has been dead for almost ten years. Went back to Vancouver Island, like an old salmon to die. I wish I had known him better. I wish he had known me better. Iwish, I wish, I wish......
Anyway, happy fathers day Ted. I hope wherever you are that you are watching out for me. You might not have been much of a father, but you were a very cool dude.
Gotto go throw up again.
sending love into the universe
gayle
I have had three baths in my soakie tub in the last 24 hours. It doesn't really help the nausea but it is relaxing so I can cope.
We went to Beths for fathers day dinner. She made her dad a turkey with all the fixings (his request). She is a fine cook, my daughter. Makes me proud. We cut out right after dinner. I can't do alot of people for very long. I did manage a chat with Hannah, my 6 year old granddaughter about who was cooler. Alvin or Theodore. Apparently Simon was not in the running. My children and grandchildren adore Andre. If there was nothing else right about our relationship (and there is lots) he is the best father I know. The kids know that their world will always be safe as long as Andre is in it. Must be a great feeling.
I don't speak much of my father. but I think of him around fathers day. He was a journalist, in the forties tradition of fedora's with a press sign on the hat. He would have loved computers. He was brilliant and charming and really funny. He had a way with the ladies. It was a power he used for evil not for good, and oh yes. He was an alcoholic. I really didn't know him well since, like most alcoholics he had two personalities. The sober man and the drunken one.
I like to think that the best of me came from him. And through this journey I have figured out that perhaps he suffered from depression as well. Only in his day you drowned it in booze.
Its moot now since he has been dead for almost ten years. Went back to Vancouver Island, like an old salmon to die. I wish I had known him better. I wish he had known me better. Iwish, I wish, I wish......
Anyway, happy fathers day Ted. I hope wherever you are that you are watching out for me. You might not have been much of a father, but you were a very cool dude.
Gotto go throw up again.
sending love into the universe
gayle
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Curly, Larry and Andre
The time has come to talk about the people I have referred to as "the reno guys" for weeks.
They do have names and identities.
Shawn is the contractor. He is first generation Irish Canadian and you can tell this at a glance. He is stocky with curly brown hair and a prize fighters nose. He is quick to laugh, loves to talk and works like a horse.
His side kick is a handsome young man named Chris. He is also funny in a quieter way, Easy on the eyes in that muscle shirt labourer sort of way and has a melancholy in his eyes that comes from a tragedy a few years ago involving a child. The kind of sadness that never goes away, even when you move on.
They have been so aware ofmy state of treatment. If they are here on a Monday they keep the radio down and try to work quietly. I go to bed and shut the door. When I feel better I sit on the primer pail and watch the magic they are performing in my house. I have learned alot these last few weeks.
They are amazed at what I can sleep through. But they have started to feel like friends and so I don't feel like my home is invaded by strangers anymore. Except I keep finding strange women in kitchen who are involved with one or the other, dropping by to check out the work. That is a little disconcerting.
Then there is Andre. Tall handsome, clueless when it come to construction and sooooo excited about this whole thing. Every night he comes home with a long list of questions which of course I can't answer. That frustrates him I know. Just don't really care at this point.
However what qualifies him for this comedy act is that on Thursday when the cupboards arrived he was pulling off cardboard and plastic and yup, you guessed it, dropped the last one on his foot and broke his big toe. Its quite the sight all purple and swollen. I'm sorry is this too much information.
They are back next wednesday and should be finished by Friday. I am going to miss then. Not Andre of course. He isn't going anywhere. He is just going to hobble around my house for the next six weeks. Which is why professionals are handling the renovation.
sending love into the universe
g
They do have names and identities.
Shawn is the contractor. He is first generation Irish Canadian and you can tell this at a glance. He is stocky with curly brown hair and a prize fighters nose. He is quick to laugh, loves to talk and works like a horse.
His side kick is a handsome young man named Chris. He is also funny in a quieter way, Easy on the eyes in that muscle shirt labourer sort of way and has a melancholy in his eyes that comes from a tragedy a few years ago involving a child. The kind of sadness that never goes away, even when you move on.
They have been so aware ofmy state of treatment. If they are here on a Monday they keep the radio down and try to work quietly. I go to bed and shut the door. When I feel better I sit on the primer pail and watch the magic they are performing in my house. I have learned alot these last few weeks.
They are amazed at what I can sleep through. But they have started to feel like friends and so I don't feel like my home is invaded by strangers anymore. Except I keep finding strange women in kitchen who are involved with one or the other, dropping by to check out the work. That is a little disconcerting.
Then there is Andre. Tall handsome, clueless when it come to construction and sooooo excited about this whole thing. Every night he comes home with a long list of questions which of course I can't answer. That frustrates him I know. Just don't really care at this point.
However what qualifies him for this comedy act is that on Thursday when the cupboards arrived he was pulling off cardboard and plastic and yup, you guessed it, dropped the last one on his foot and broke his big toe. Its quite the sight all purple and swollen. I'm sorry is this too much information.
They are back next wednesday and should be finished by Friday. I am going to miss then. Not Andre of course. He isn't going anywhere. He is just going to hobble around my house for the next six weeks. Which is why professionals are handling the renovation.
sending love into the universe
g
Monday, June 9, 2008
Just Another Manic Monday
Dear Blog,
Its Monday, its hot and I am coping with my sixth needle. Its not really too bad today. Of course I don't say that outloud. It cuts back on the sympathy factor.
I now have no kitchen. Just a big empty room with a fridge and stove. The reno guys have been here so much I am thinking of adopting them. Then it won't feel like there are strangers in my house.
Saturday night we went to supper with Scott and Lynda and then went to see Indiana Jones. All was great until we came out of the theatre and I tried to do a face plant on the sidewalk. Perhaps it was the heat. I think I was a little dehydratedcuz when we got home Andre made me drink a big glass of water with ice and I didn't go potty once in the night. But I did throw up all night so who knows?
Anyway I was better by Sunday and I am resolved to have more respect for this treatment business. Its like a marathon. I don't have to cross the finish line first, I just have to cross the finish line.
I know my right brain is now under attack from the drugs but so far I am holding my own. I am having a little trouble following a storyline and I can't remember anything for more than 5 seconds but I am neither suicidal or homicidal and not too depressed. And I can sleep. So far no manic behavior. I find myself exploring the vast landscape today of 40 more weeks of this. Is it cowardly to say I don't want to? I am starting to forget who I was before the Interferon. Oh yeah, I remember, someone who was dying.
In the meantime I think this son of a bitch is sorely testing my sense of humour. I'd be a little angry if I had the energy. Oh well, there is no one to be angry at is there? I will try to go back to being my funny brave self tomorrow.
flinging love into the universe
g
Its Monday, its hot and I am coping with my sixth needle. Its not really too bad today. Of course I don't say that outloud. It cuts back on the sympathy factor.
I now have no kitchen. Just a big empty room with a fridge and stove. The reno guys have been here so much I am thinking of adopting them. Then it won't feel like there are strangers in my house.
Saturday night we went to supper with Scott and Lynda and then went to see Indiana Jones. All was great until we came out of the theatre and I tried to do a face plant on the sidewalk. Perhaps it was the heat. I think I was a little dehydratedcuz when we got home Andre made me drink a big glass of water with ice and I didn't go potty once in the night. But I did throw up all night so who knows?
Anyway I was better by Sunday and I am resolved to have more respect for this treatment business. Its like a marathon. I don't have to cross the finish line first, I just have to cross the finish line.
I know my right brain is now under attack from the drugs but so far I am holding my own. I am having a little trouble following a storyline and I can't remember anything for more than 5 seconds but I am neither suicidal or homicidal and not too depressed. And I can sleep. So far no manic behavior. I find myself exploring the vast landscape today of 40 more weeks of this. Is it cowardly to say I don't want to? I am starting to forget who I was before the Interferon. Oh yeah, I remember, someone who was dying.
In the meantime I think this son of a bitch is sorely testing my sense of humour. I'd be a little angry if I had the energy. Oh well, there is no one to be angry at is there? I will try to go back to being my funny brave self tomorrow.
flinging love into the universe
g
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Apparently I"m not crazy yet.
Dear Blog,
I went to the shrink today. She says I'm not crazy. Maybe I am and she doesn't know me well enough. We talked about the fact that Andre sooooo annoying yesterday I could barely stand him. Now I get it. He has to oversee the reno,. look after all my needs and do his job. He has a right to be stressed. IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE. In mine I'm at the top of everylist.
Anyway I was telling Dianne that I annoyed with him and was that a sign that I was going crazy. She asked if I wanted to drive a hammer into his brain. I said no. She said I'm not crazy. See I forgot its all about impulse control.
The reno guys took the day off THANK THE LORD. Its amazing how exhausting it is having people in your house all the time. Tommorow they are starting on the flooring and replacing the living room windows. So I think I am going to get Krista to take me to Crystal Lake where I can lay in a lawn chair, look out at the water and RELAX. Kiki has never been there before so she should like it. Except that she is afraid of frogs. I KNOW. Frogs, of all gods harmless creatures. Now bats I understand. I don't carehow many times you tell me they are just hamsters with wings they are horrible vicious little beasts who want to kill me. I know this. I have always known this. But a fear of frogs? Now that's plain silly.
Flinging love into the universe
g
I went to the shrink today. She says I'm not crazy. Maybe I am and she doesn't know me well enough. We talked about the fact that Andre sooooo annoying yesterday I could barely stand him. Now I get it. He has to oversee the reno,. look after all my needs and do his job. He has a right to be stressed. IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE. In mine I'm at the top of everylist.
Anyway I was telling Dianne that I annoyed with him and was that a sign that I was going crazy. She asked if I wanted to drive a hammer into his brain. I said no. She said I'm not crazy. See I forgot its all about impulse control.
The reno guys took the day off THANK THE LORD. Its amazing how exhausting it is having people in your house all the time. Tommorow they are starting on the flooring and replacing the living room windows. So I think I am going to get Krista to take me to Crystal Lake where I can lay in a lawn chair, look out at the water and RELAX. Kiki has never been there before so she should like it. Except that she is afraid of frogs. I KNOW. Frogs, of all gods harmless creatures. Now bats I understand. I don't carehow many times you tell me they are just hamsters with wings they are horrible vicious little beasts who want to kill me. I know this. I have always known this. But a fear of frogs? Now that's plain silly.
Flinging love into the universe
g
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