Can I stop now/

Hi,
Its me. I took a little time to shove my head up my ass. I guess a carribean vacation would have been more productive.

So lets see, how am I. Good question. I have HEP C as we all know treatment didn't work blah blah blah. I have pneumonia in both lungs from the treatment and my compromised immune system and I fell last Saturday in the parking lot at Tim Hortons. Stepped into a pothole and face planted. I am covered in bruises. And everything hurts including my dignity but I know its the least of my problems.

So I am possibly officially the first person on the planet to be ill, sick and injured all at the same time. And oh yes did I mention the 20 lbs I put on in three weeks? All on my belly. I look pregnant. Nothing fits me and I blew up so fast that my skin feels tight. Don't you just want to throw me down and have sex with me right now. Don't bother, it looks like I have already done it.

And so its 4:30 in the morning. I spent an hour in the tub trying to surround myself with white light. I tried to picture all of you. I tried to picture my new cupboards but all to no avail. Its not a pretty picture but if you must, picture a 54 year old fat woman sitting in a tub in the middle of the night crying her ass off.

I'm not strong, I'm not brave, once again I am not fullfilling all the potential god gave gave me.

And don't even get me started on God. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat in some experiment. "lets give her a great life and then make her sick" Surely he has enough Scorpio's in heaven. He really doesn't need me.I don't do dishes, I love to sleep and really I have nothing important to add to the conversation.

And summer is gone and I missed it cuz I spent 15 weeks throwing up. Did you know that you could herniate your belly button from throwing up? Me neither. Who would have thought about that. Great spiritual thoughts are bouncing off me. Tell me to read so and so's book and I might hit you with my purse (if I could find it). I am no more special or entitled than the next person . I asked the doctor if we did nothing (not that there is anything else to do but a new treatment is about two years off. Same stuff plus another drug, uh no.......) Anyway I asked him how long I had before my liver said enough and went off looking for onions.

He said it could be two years it could be twenty. Its like walking around with a piano tied above your head. You just don't know when that rope is going to break.

Well I think sooner. I'm up to here with pep talks and positive thoughts and meditating light. I would like to think about something else for a change besides my liver and my lungs and my banged up knee. I can hear the positive among you saying "Its a choice make a different one" Well being positive takes energy and I don't have any. And cake. Cake always helps.

All I know is that I am the person other people look to for answers and I usually have them and they are usually right. At the moment I got nothing. Zip. Nada. If you go out into my very neglected flower bed , find the biggest fattest worm there and ask it the meaning of life it will give you a more intelligent answer than I can.

I hate this. I am not fullfilling my potential. I am not growing spiritually, and my jeans don't fit. and I'm sitting here eating frozen yogurt which will give me an upset tummy tomorrow and I don't care.

Ok, i'm going to stop now. I am sounding like Rick Mercer only I am ranting just to hear myself rant. You are all in bed anyway. I hope your dreams are sweet ones.

g