Canadian Idol -my guy won. nothing to do with anything

Hi,
I'm back. I thought i would reassure you that I didn't eat my gun last night. Oh wait I don't have a gun. Yucky things , hurt people.

I went to bed about 5, got up at noon and thought "oh good another day to feel rotten". I wanted to go to the mall and get some new jeans. I live in them and nothing fits me, but there was no one available to take me and so I will go with Andre on Saturday. Shopping for clothes with your husband? Now there's a reason to end it all.

However a couple of good things happened today. I got my daily phone call from my son. Did I mention he is the most perfect person on the planet. I know, I rented him space for nine months and he trashed the place before he left.

And tonight Scotty walked in with flowers and cake. Ok his wife Lynda sent him, but he did the errand and i couldn't decide which made me happier, him or the cake.
I don't know what the life lesson is here and I'm not trying real hard to find it. I figure if I get it , I will be done and I will have to go.

And that is the fault of all of you I consider my loved ones. Without going into detail (alcoholic father distant mother) I had a really fucked up childhood. I thought because I am so smart and spiritual that I had it all figured out. Therapy helps. But what I didn't know about myself is that I wouldn't have recognized love if you filled a bucket and threw it on me. Years ago during a really bad moment Andre told me that loving me was like pouring sand down a rat hole. You could never fill it up. I didn't realize at the time, but he was right.

And now I see love. I see the deep warm passionate red of Andre'slove. I see the needy clingy part of myself love of my children. I see the warm pink love of friends like Glenda and Lynda and Krista and Ida. God bless Ida. She will let me die she just wont let me be dying. Throughout my life whenever I saw love coming at me my reaction was always "why me, what have I done to earn it"
I realize now that love isn't a prize its a gift. I don't have to earn it, i just have to accept it. Oh well better late than never?I don't know what to do next but I have to figure it out. Too many people need me to be ok with this. If I can't accept this they won't either. I'm in a very dark place right now but I am sure there is light somewhere. No not that light. The one that just makes you happy because the sun is shining. I'm hopeless aren't I.

And ANdre brought me a chicken tonight so I know he loves me.

good night sweet friends
sleep well
g