Good Afternoon all,
A wake will be held tomorrow at Stoddarts Funeral Home in Lindsay from 7-9 pm. There will be a service there Thursday afternoon at 3. We hope to have a reception at the house to follow.
The support we have received from all of you has been a blessing. Thank you all again. And don't feel you can't come at any time and share your grief or feelings with us. Many have and I think before all is said and done many more will. Our door is open...and once the sun goes down...so is the wine.
ryan
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sad News
Good evening all,
This is Gayle's son Ryan writing.
At 6:30 tonight, Saturday September 20th 2008...my mother and your friend Gayle died. While we don't know the exact cause, we do know she has now gone on to a better place. She was a wonderful, incredible woman who will be missed by all of us.
That's all I can write for now...forgive me for not elaborating...the family is in mourning and I will take this time now, in case I'm not granted it in the future to thank you all for your continued support to her throughout her illness. It was the strength of her friends and loved ones that allowed her to fight as hard as she did.
There are no immediate plans as far as service or memorial...but I will try to update when we know more.
This is Gayle's son Ryan writing.
At 6:30 tonight, Saturday September 20th 2008...my mother and your friend Gayle died. While we don't know the exact cause, we do know she has now gone on to a better place. She was a wonderful, incredible woman who will be missed by all of us.
That's all I can write for now...forgive me for not elaborating...the family is in mourning and I will take this time now, in case I'm not granted it in the future to thank you all for your continued support to her throughout her illness. It was the strength of her friends and loved ones that allowed her to fight as hard as she did.
There are no immediate plans as far as service or memorial...but I will try to update when we know more.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Canadian Idol -my guy won. nothing to do with anything
Hi,
I'm back. I thought i would reassure you that I didn't eat my gun last night. Oh wait I don't have a gun. Yucky things , hurt people.
I went to bed about 5, got up at noon and thought "oh good another day to feel rotten". I wanted to go to the mall and get some new jeans. I live in them and nothing fits me, but there was no one available to take me and so I will go with Andre on Saturday. Shopping for clothes with your husband? Now there's a reason to end it all.
However a couple of good things happened today. I got my daily phone call from my son. Did I mention he is the most perfect person on the planet. I know, I rented him space for nine months and he trashed the place before he left.
And tonight Scotty walked in with flowers and cake. Ok his wife Lynda sent him, but he did the errand and i couldn't decide which made me happier, him or the cake.
I don't know what the life lesson is here and I'm not trying real hard to find it. I figure if I get it , I will be done and I will have to go.
And that is the fault of all of you I consider my loved ones. Without going into detail (alcoholic father distant mother) I had a really fucked up childhood. I thought because I am so smart and spiritual that I had it all figured out. Therapy helps. But what I didn't know about myself is that I wouldn't have recognized love if you filled a bucket and threw it on me. Years ago during a really bad moment Andre told me that loving me was like pouring sand down a rat hole. You could never fill it up. I didn't realize at the time, but he was right.
And now I see love. I see the deep warm passionate red of Andre'slove. I see the needy clingy part of myself love of my children. I see the warm pink love of friends like Glenda and Lynda and Krista and Ida. God bless Ida. She will let me die she just wont let me be dying. Throughout my life whenever I saw love coming at me my reaction was always "why me, what have I done to earn it"
I realize now that love isn't a prize its a gift. I don't have to earn it, i just have to accept it. Oh well better late than never?I don't know what to do next but I have to figure it out. Too many people need me to be ok with this. If I can't accept this they won't either. I'm in a very dark place right now but I am sure there is light somewhere. No not that light. The one that just makes you happy because the sun is shining. I'm hopeless aren't I.
And ANdre brought me a chicken tonight so I know he loves me.
good night sweet friends
sleep well
g
I'm back. I thought i would reassure you that I didn't eat my gun last night. Oh wait I don't have a gun. Yucky things , hurt people.
I went to bed about 5, got up at noon and thought "oh good another day to feel rotten". I wanted to go to the mall and get some new jeans. I live in them and nothing fits me, but there was no one available to take me and so I will go with Andre on Saturday. Shopping for clothes with your husband? Now there's a reason to end it all.
However a couple of good things happened today. I got my daily phone call from my son. Did I mention he is the most perfect person on the planet. I know, I rented him space for nine months and he trashed the place before he left.
And tonight Scotty walked in with flowers and cake. Ok his wife Lynda sent him, but he did the errand and i couldn't decide which made me happier, him or the cake.
I don't know what the life lesson is here and I'm not trying real hard to find it. I figure if I get it , I will be done and I will have to go.
And that is the fault of all of you I consider my loved ones. Without going into detail (alcoholic father distant mother) I had a really fucked up childhood. I thought because I am so smart and spiritual that I had it all figured out. Therapy helps. But what I didn't know about myself is that I wouldn't have recognized love if you filled a bucket and threw it on me. Years ago during a really bad moment Andre told me that loving me was like pouring sand down a rat hole. You could never fill it up. I didn't realize at the time, but he was right.
And now I see love. I see the deep warm passionate red of Andre'slove. I see the needy clingy part of myself love of my children. I see the warm pink love of friends like Glenda and Lynda and Krista and Ida. God bless Ida. She will let me die she just wont let me be dying. Throughout my life whenever I saw love coming at me my reaction was always "why me, what have I done to earn it"
I realize now that love isn't a prize its a gift. I don't have to earn it, i just have to accept it. Oh well better late than never?I don't know what to do next but I have to figure it out. Too many people need me to be ok with this. If I can't accept this they won't either. I'm in a very dark place right now but I am sure there is light somewhere. No not that light. The one that just makes you happy because the sun is shining. I'm hopeless aren't I.
And ANdre brought me a chicken tonight so I know he loves me.
good night sweet friends
sleep well
g
Can I stop now/
Hi,
Its me. I took a little time to shove my head up my ass. I guess a carribean vacation would have been more productive.
So lets see, how am I. Good question. I have HEP C as we all know treatment didn't work blah blah blah. I have pneumonia in both lungs from the treatment and my compromised immune system and I fell last Saturday in the parking lot at Tim Hortons. Stepped into a pothole and face planted. I am covered in bruises. And everything hurts including my dignity but I know its the least of my problems.
So I am possibly officially the first person on the planet to be ill, sick and injured all at the same time. And oh yes did I mention the 20 lbs I put on in three weeks? All on my belly. I look pregnant. Nothing fits me and I blew up so fast that my skin feels tight. Don't you just want to throw me down and have sex with me right now. Don't bother, it looks like I have already done it.
And so its 4:30 in the morning. I spent an hour in the tub trying to surround myself with white light. I tried to picture all of you. I tried to picture my new cupboards but all to no avail. Its not a pretty picture but if you must, picture a 54 year old fat woman sitting in a tub in the middle of the night crying her ass off.
I'm not strong, I'm not brave, once again I am not fullfilling all the potential god gave gave me.
And don't even get me started on God. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat in some experiment. "lets give her a great life and then make her sick" Surely he has enough Scorpio's in heaven. He really doesn't need me.I don't do dishes, I love to sleep and really I have nothing important to add to the conversation.
And summer is gone and I missed it cuz I spent 15 weeks throwing up. Did you know that you could herniate your belly button from throwing up? Me neither. Who would have thought about that. Great spiritual thoughts are bouncing off me. Tell me to read so and so's book and I might hit you with my purse (if I could find it). I am no more special or entitled than the next person . I asked the doctor if we did nothing (not that there is anything else to do but a new treatment is about two years off. Same stuff plus another drug, uh no.......) Anyway I asked him how long I had before my liver said enough and went off looking for onions.
He said it could be two years it could be twenty. Its like walking around with a piano tied above your head. You just don't know when that rope is going to break.
Well I think sooner. I'm up to here with pep talks and positive thoughts and meditating light. I would like to think about something else for a change besides my liver and my lungs and my banged up knee. I can hear the positive among you saying "Its a choice make a different one" Well being positive takes energy and I don't have any. And cake. Cake always helps.
All I know is that I am the person other people look to for answers and I usually have them and they are usually right. At the moment I got nothing. Zip. Nada. If you go out into my very neglected flower bed , find the biggest fattest worm there and ask it the meaning of life it will give you a more intelligent answer than I can.
I hate this. I am not fullfilling my potential. I am not growing spiritually, and my jeans don't fit. and I'm sitting here eating frozen yogurt which will give me an upset tummy tomorrow and I don't care.
Ok, i'm going to stop now. I am sounding like Rick Mercer only I am ranting just to hear myself rant. You are all in bed anyway. I hope your dreams are sweet ones.
g
Its me. I took a little time to shove my head up my ass. I guess a carribean vacation would have been more productive.
So lets see, how am I. Good question. I have HEP C as we all know treatment didn't work blah blah blah. I have pneumonia in both lungs from the treatment and my compromised immune system and I fell last Saturday in the parking lot at Tim Hortons. Stepped into a pothole and face planted. I am covered in bruises. And everything hurts including my dignity but I know its the least of my problems.
So I am possibly officially the first person on the planet to be ill, sick and injured all at the same time. And oh yes did I mention the 20 lbs I put on in three weeks? All on my belly. I look pregnant. Nothing fits me and I blew up so fast that my skin feels tight. Don't you just want to throw me down and have sex with me right now. Don't bother, it looks like I have already done it.
And so its 4:30 in the morning. I spent an hour in the tub trying to surround myself with white light. I tried to picture all of you. I tried to picture my new cupboards but all to no avail. Its not a pretty picture but if you must, picture a 54 year old fat woman sitting in a tub in the middle of the night crying her ass off.
I'm not strong, I'm not brave, once again I am not fullfilling all the potential god gave gave me.
And don't even get me started on God. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat in some experiment. "lets give her a great life and then make her sick" Surely he has enough Scorpio's in heaven. He really doesn't need me.I don't do dishes, I love to sleep and really I have nothing important to add to the conversation.
And summer is gone and I missed it cuz I spent 15 weeks throwing up. Did you know that you could herniate your belly button from throwing up? Me neither. Who would have thought about that. Great spiritual thoughts are bouncing off me. Tell me to read so and so's book and I might hit you with my purse (if I could find it). I am no more special or entitled than the next person . I asked the doctor if we did nothing (not that there is anything else to do but a new treatment is about two years off. Same stuff plus another drug, uh no.......) Anyway I asked him how long I had before my liver said enough and went off looking for onions.
He said it could be two years it could be twenty. Its like walking around with a piano tied above your head. You just don't know when that rope is going to break.
Well I think sooner. I'm up to here with pep talks and positive thoughts and meditating light. I would like to think about something else for a change besides my liver and my lungs and my banged up knee. I can hear the positive among you saying "Its a choice make a different one" Well being positive takes energy and I don't have any. And cake. Cake always helps.
All I know is that I am the person other people look to for answers and I usually have them and they are usually right. At the moment I got nothing. Zip. Nada. If you go out into my very neglected flower bed , find the biggest fattest worm there and ask it the meaning of life it will give you a more intelligent answer than I can.
I hate this. I am not fullfilling my potential. I am not growing spiritually, and my jeans don't fit. and I'm sitting here eating frozen yogurt which will give me an upset tummy tomorrow and I don't care.
Ok, i'm going to stop now. I am sounding like Rick Mercer only I am ranting just to hear myself rant. You are all in bed anyway. I hope your dreams are sweet ones.
g
Friday, August 15, 2008
Hi,
I know I have been gone a long time. I was walking through the shadow....... Since I last blogged I developed shingles , my liver is the size of a football and I have pneumonia in my left lung and when I went down to see the doctor on Tuesday I was told that my viral load had not disappeared by week 12 and so we stop.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Or a brick. I think I'm still in shock.
The worst of it is that I blame myself for not beating the Hep C. Andre keeps telling methat I wasn't fighting the Hep C the Interferon was.
Sounds good in theory but I feel like I let everyone down. Andre says he never saw anyone fight harder in his life. Nice of him to say so.
So what now? Don't know. The Doc says there is a new treatment about 2 years out. If God is kind and I am good to my liver, perhaps I will still be here to try it.
I have no game plan, no idea what I am going to do with life or how to make plans
Ihave learned that you must treat everyday like your last.
I have learned that I can bear much more than I thought
I have learned how to recognize true friendship and to accept love with no strings attached
I have learned that I will never throw up oatmeal.
I have learned that I love to sleep
I have learned to shut up and listen more. I learned this from not having the energy to talk.
And I have learned to see animals in my bubble bath. Mostly bunnies but once I saw a moose.
I won't be gone so long next time. I guess there is still much to discuss
g
I know I have been gone a long time. I was walking through the shadow....... Since I last blogged I developed shingles , my liver is the size of a football and I have pneumonia in my left lung and when I went down to see the doctor on Tuesday I was told that my viral load had not disappeared by week 12 and so we stop.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Or a brick. I think I'm still in shock.
The worst of it is that I blame myself for not beating the Hep C. Andre keeps telling methat I wasn't fighting the Hep C the Interferon was.
Sounds good in theory but I feel like I let everyone down. Andre says he never saw anyone fight harder in his life. Nice of him to say so.
So what now? Don't know. The Doc says there is a new treatment about 2 years out. If God is kind and I am good to my liver, perhaps I will still be here to try it.
I have no game plan, no idea what I am going to do with life or how to make plans
Ihave learned that you must treat everyday like your last.
I have learned that I can bear much more than I thought
I have learned how to recognize true friendship and to accept love with no strings attached
I have learned that I will never throw up oatmeal.
I have learned that I love to sleep
I have learned to shut up and listen more. I learned this from not having the energy to talk.
And I have learned to see animals in my bubble bath. Mostly bunnies but once I saw a moose.
I won't be gone so long next time. I guess there is still much to discuss
g
Monday, July 28, 2008
"Monday Monday"
Its Monday. They tell me its really nice outside. I wouldn't know. I have spent the day talking into the big white telephone.
Its has been a really weird week. I was up chucky all of last week. Nothing seemed to be working. Not gingerale, not pot, not gravol. There was nothing to do except crab and throw up,.
We went to Peterpatch on Thursday and Tobin took more blood. This is the make or break test. Now I have a giant bruise where she took the samples. Doesn't usually happen. Must be a platelet thing.
I am getting very frustrated with my inablility to do anything. There is lots and lots of little crap to be done. "I d on't care" seems to have become my motto. Tobin and I discussed the "numbness for want of a better word to describe how I am feeling. Or not feeling. I feel emotionally shot full of novacaine. I can watch everything happening but I can't seem to feel deeply enough about anything to invest emotionally. Tobin said she understood being the creative right brained creature that I am but that it is necessary to protect my right brain. Oh well, only 34 weeks to go. Will anyone still love me when its over?Yuck I am a great big blob of selfpity aren't I. It could be worse. ...
I have had two baths in my soaky tub today. So it could be worse. Did I mention I love my tub. I would sleep in it if I thought I wouldn't drown. But it would be a glorious way to go. Seeping in bubble bath and epson salts. At least I wouldn't dry out. And I would smell glorious. I would like to meet God smelling glorious. He probably deals with enough stinky people as it is.
peace out
g
Its has been a really weird week. I was up chucky all of last week. Nothing seemed to be working. Not gingerale, not pot, not gravol. There was nothing to do except crab and throw up,.
We went to Peterpatch on Thursday and Tobin took more blood. This is the make or break test. Now I have a giant bruise where she took the samples. Doesn't usually happen. Must be a platelet thing.
I am getting very frustrated with my inablility to do anything. There is lots and lots of little crap to be done. "I d on't care" seems to have become my motto. Tobin and I discussed the "numbness for want of a better word to describe how I am feeling. Or not feeling. I feel emotionally shot full of novacaine. I can watch everything happening but I can't seem to feel deeply enough about anything to invest emotionally. Tobin said she understood being the creative right brained creature that I am but that it is necessary to protect my right brain. Oh well, only 34 weeks to go. Will anyone still love me when its over?Yuck I am a great big blob of selfpity aren't I. It could be worse. ...
I have had two baths in my soaky tub today. So it could be worse. Did I mention I love my tub. I would sleep in it if I thought I wouldn't drown. But it would be a glorious way to go. Seeping in bubble bath and epson salts. At least I wouldn't dry out. And I would smell glorious. I would like to meet God smelling glorious. He probably deals with enough stinky people as it is.
peace out
g
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday musings
Its Tuesday so I have survived yet another monday. Thats 11 treatments now. One more and we do the viral load check again. I have finally found something to deal with the sores on my tongue and the organic nausea drug is working very well.
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
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