I wish I could look at my life from a distance. I think it would be much more entertaining than up close.
I crawled out of bed at the crack of 9 this morning cuz my angel sister/friend Krista was coming to paint my bathroom. Yup 12 days and no sink. Everything is ready it just needed painting and I can't.
She paints. I sit on the floor and talk and at 10 am I go to the afterhours clinic cuz I have a bladder infection. I know this because my sugar spiked to 27 last Monday and bacteria loves sugar. The problem is that I know the antibiotic that works but most Dr.'s have their own idea's so I hate it. But i powdered and dressed and over I went.
My first luck of the day. My former family doctor was working the clinic. Yaaaaaahhhhhh. No explaining, no begging, just a small lecture about being more careful, a script for the drugs and I'm out of there.
While waiting I got into a waiting room chat with a guy who looked to be late 50's really buff. He had knee replacement surgery from an old hockey injury (as he told me) and needed another pain med because it wasn't the sixties anymore and the percoset was just too much.
I eventually realized he was flirting with me/responding to my natural charm. Wasn't looking for that! So script in hand I came home to find the reno guy here for something or other and one look at Krista and his tongue was hanging down to his knees. And rightly so, she is beautiful. I know he was flirting because I heard her using the phrase "my boyfriend" alot.
After a much needed nap, I went downtown to fill the script and another middle aged guy held both doors open for me at the drugstore. I flashed him my brilliant smile and said thank you and he smiled and said "my pleasure darlin".
On the way home I pondered what was up. I'm five weeks into protocol and I look like shit (in my opinion) Then the light went on. It was the breasts (hereafter known as the girls). They have gotten doors open for me all my life. Never understanding it , I have always accepted it. I mean if babies were crawling to open doors, I might get it. But grown men. And I'm not even responsible for them. They came from my mother for God's sake. How sick is that. My daughter didn't get them however. That will teach her to be a pain in her teens . I skipped her and went straight to my granddaughter.
Anyway I digress. It occured to me on the drive home that even if I look awful and worst of worsts lose my hair, my boobs will never fall off. So I may make it through with my physical self esteem in tact. How shallow am I?
Have a great day. I think I did.
g
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Living in the moment
Everyone from the Dalai Lama to Oprah talks about the living in the moment. Like it is some sort of cure for all of the worlds spiritual and psychological woes. Good thought. Hard to do.
Unless you are facing some sort of physical adversity. I am, of course, not speaking for everyone here, just for me. I didn't achieve this enlightenment I was just sort of plopped here. I think it is because the treatment never takes a break and so neither can I. There is no break for me. I just live in the moment, and in the moment I can cope.
Andre was home yesterday and the guys doing the reno had to go to Haliburton to put new doors on a cottage or something. And what did Andre do all day? He planned or he shopped or he thought about it all. I finally told him that if he did not stop discussing it with me I was going to scream.
He stopped, for awhile. Till we went out into the backyard for some coffee and some sun. Well I had decaf tea and slathered myself with SPF 50, anyway there we were, I was reading Sports Illustrated and he was reading the Sears Catalogue looking for a cabinet for the new bathroom. I started to get annoyed and then I realized that he is not living in my world. He is living beside it.As close as he can get, but not right in the bubble with me.
I feel that way about everything these days. Like I'm sitting in the bench at the train station and the train is coming but I don't get up because no one that is getting off is for me. I know that sounds like depression but really its not. It's more like a walking meditation. My body needs all the spiritual help I can give it and so I have to concentrate. I think thats why I lost control last time. I didn't concentrate.
But neither Andre nor anyone else who loves me can be where I am, and so I have to be more tolerant of their efforts. They are doing the best to fulfill my needs. Hey I just thought of another metaphor that works (I love metaphors) They are sort of like my pit crew and I'm the prizefighter and they can towel me off and make me spit in the bucket but they can't fight the fight for me. Their advice is valuable, as is their help, but the fight is mine to fight.
Gotta go, I think I just heard the bell for round 4.
Unless you are facing some sort of physical adversity. I am, of course, not speaking for everyone here, just for me. I didn't achieve this enlightenment I was just sort of plopped here. I think it is because the treatment never takes a break and so neither can I. There is no break for me. I just live in the moment, and in the moment I can cope.
Andre was home yesterday and the guys doing the reno had to go to Haliburton to put new doors on a cottage or something. And what did Andre do all day? He planned or he shopped or he thought about it all. I finally told him that if he did not stop discussing it with me I was going to scream.
He stopped, for awhile. Till we went out into the backyard for some coffee and some sun. Well I had decaf tea and slathered myself with SPF 50, anyway there we were, I was reading Sports Illustrated and he was reading the Sears Catalogue looking for a cabinet for the new bathroom. I started to get annoyed and then I realized that he is not living in my world. He is living beside it.As close as he can get, but not right in the bubble with me.
I feel that way about everything these days. Like I'm sitting in the bench at the train station and the train is coming but I don't get up because no one that is getting off is for me. I know that sounds like depression but really its not. It's more like a walking meditation. My body needs all the spiritual help I can give it and so I have to concentrate. I think thats why I lost control last time. I didn't concentrate.
But neither Andre nor anyone else who loves me can be where I am, and so I have to be more tolerant of their efforts. They are doing the best to fulfill my needs. Hey I just thought of another metaphor that works (I love metaphors) They are sort of like my pit crew and I'm the prizefighter and they can towel me off and make me spit in the bucket but they can't fight the fight for me. Their advice is valuable, as is their help, but the fight is mine to fight.
Gotta go, I think I just heard the bell for round 4.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The tub is in!!!!!
I have a bathtub, and a toilet! No sink or walls but it hardly matters.
Its Saturday night and Andre is watching a bunch of grown men chase a little rubber puck around on the ice. This is my theory about hockey. If they gave everybody one they would stop fighting over it.
The reno guys aren't coming tomorrow thank the Lord. I need order in my life for a day. I am so tired that I am numb. Right down to my marrow tired. I am hoping this means that the battle inside me is going well.
I would sit down and have a good cry except it would take too much effort. I'm so weary that I find it hard to talk to the sweet souls that call to see how I am. Talking makes me nauseous. I think I am in that "One hour at a time" place. I can't even imagine 38 more weeks of this. So I won't. There is just today and then tomorrow.
My daughter Beth dropped by tonight with a plate of stuffed peppers. I love her stuffed peppers. Its nice to know they will be there for dinner tomorrow night. She is such a practical girl. My son worries about my emotional/spiritual needs and she feeds me.
Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice so we are going out to Scott and Lyn's to plant the vegetable garden we share with them. Well Andre and Lynda will plant, I will sit in the shade and give orders and Scotty will disappear. He hates gardens.
Tomorrow night is my fourth injection. God I hope this is working. I keep telling myself I am in this place to learn. A disease is just a disease. Its how to handle it that counts. And so I am trying to remember, to quote Ernest Hemingway......"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are stronger at the broken places."
Flinging love into the universe
g
Its Saturday night and Andre is watching a bunch of grown men chase a little rubber puck around on the ice. This is my theory about hockey. If they gave everybody one they would stop fighting over it.
The reno guys aren't coming tomorrow thank the Lord. I need order in my life for a day. I am so tired that I am numb. Right down to my marrow tired. I am hoping this means that the battle inside me is going well.
I would sit down and have a good cry except it would take too much effort. I'm so weary that I find it hard to talk to the sweet souls that call to see how I am. Talking makes me nauseous. I think I am in that "One hour at a time" place. I can't even imagine 38 more weeks of this. So I won't. There is just today and then tomorrow.
My daughter Beth dropped by tonight with a plate of stuffed peppers. I love her stuffed peppers. Its nice to know they will be there for dinner tomorrow night. She is such a practical girl. My son worries about my emotional/spiritual needs and she feeds me.
Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice so we are going out to Scott and Lyn's to plant the vegetable garden we share with them. Well Andre and Lynda will plant, I will sit in the shade and give orders and Scotty will disappear. He hates gardens.
Tomorrow night is my fourth injection. God I hope this is working. I keep telling myself I am in this place to learn. A disease is just a disease. Its how to handle it that counts. And so I am trying to remember, to quote Ernest Hemingway......"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are stronger at the broken places."
Flinging love into the universe
g
Thursday, May 22, 2008
there's a big empty room where my bathroom used to be
Dear Blog,
Listen........ thats the sound of no one banging and breaking and thumping in my house. They have quit for the day Thank The Lord. And they were kind enough to hook up my new toilet before they left so I only had to pee in the pail once. It was cute though, Andre went to Crappy Tire and bought me a new pail and put a toilet seat on it and put it in the closet under the stairs. He said I finally had my powder room down there.
It was not a good day physically. I got up earlier than I like , tossed back my pills and my breakfast cuz I knew they were coming and then my indignant body tossed my breakfast right back. The interferon is definitely in charge. Its like keeping a pet dragon. As long as it is fed and groomed it will not eat you. How in heavens name do you groom a dragon anyway.
Andre spent most of the day planting annuals around the yard. He loves impatiens with their cute little faces and colours and it is very pretty out there now. EXCEPT ITS TOO FRIGGING COLD TO SIT OUT THERE.
I have to apply SPF 50 every time I go out now. Apparently if I don't I will burst into flames or something. Personally I think I stink. Sunblock only smells right at the beach. When I think of the days my sister/friend Nancy and I used to sun ourselves on the roof of her apartment building wearing baby oil, I hang my head is shame.
I sat in a lawn chair this afternoon watching Andre plant flowers and thought about how caught between two worlds I feel. I was sort of in the outside world of flowers and new bathtubs and stuff and part of me was still deeply internal fighting the fight. Its a delicate balancing act. If I go too far in either direction, the other world yanks me back. I can't be well, and I can't be sick. Like I said a balancing act.
I had a triumph last night however. Ryan gave a copy of a really sweet book that Jimmy Carter wrote about his mother for Mothers day and last night at 2:27 am I finished it.
This is a milestone because I am taking Pegatron this time. Two years ago I was on Pegasys and for a variety of reasons, all related to treatment, I became a manic depressive looney toon. Seriously. Now for those who know me I can hear you saying, How can you tell? I'll ignore that. One of the symptoms was that I couldn't read or watch TV or follow the plot of the simplest story.
And last night I finished a book. That is a really big thing for me. I have dealt for months with the fear of the insanity returning to my brain. Its always been a pet fear. When we first married I made Andre promise that if I ever went crazy he would lock me in the attic not send me away.
Of course he promised because he goes with the flow , but there I was two years ago doing the very think I was so frightened of. And now, because I didn't have the support of Tobin and Dr Silverman at the Positive Care clinic and a therapist at the Ross who keeps putting litmus paper on my forehead I can breathe a little easier. Last time I made six weeks before I had to stop. At the moment I am almost finished three and feeling fine, crazy wise. Life is OK
Listen........ thats the sound of no one banging and breaking and thumping in my house. They have quit for the day Thank The Lord. And they were kind enough to hook up my new toilet before they left so I only had to pee in the pail once. It was cute though, Andre went to Crappy Tire and bought me a new pail and put a toilet seat on it and put it in the closet under the stairs. He said I finally had my powder room down there.
It was not a good day physically. I got up earlier than I like , tossed back my pills and my breakfast cuz I knew they were coming and then my indignant body tossed my breakfast right back. The interferon is definitely in charge. Its like keeping a pet dragon. As long as it is fed and groomed it will not eat you. How in heavens name do you groom a dragon anyway.
Andre spent most of the day planting annuals around the yard. He loves impatiens with their cute little faces and colours and it is very pretty out there now. EXCEPT ITS TOO FRIGGING COLD TO SIT OUT THERE.
I have to apply SPF 50 every time I go out now. Apparently if I don't I will burst into flames or something. Personally I think I stink. Sunblock only smells right at the beach. When I think of the days my sister/friend Nancy and I used to sun ourselves on the roof of her apartment building wearing baby oil, I hang my head is shame.
I sat in a lawn chair this afternoon watching Andre plant flowers and thought about how caught between two worlds I feel. I was sort of in the outside world of flowers and new bathtubs and stuff and part of me was still deeply internal fighting the fight. Its a delicate balancing act. If I go too far in either direction, the other world yanks me back. I can't be well, and I can't be sick. Like I said a balancing act.
I had a triumph last night however. Ryan gave a copy of a really sweet book that Jimmy Carter wrote about his mother for Mothers day and last night at 2:27 am I finished it.
This is a milestone because I am taking Pegatron this time. Two years ago I was on Pegasys and for a variety of reasons, all related to treatment, I became a manic depressive looney toon. Seriously. Now for those who know me I can hear you saying, How can you tell? I'll ignore that. One of the symptoms was that I couldn't read or watch TV or follow the plot of the simplest story.
And last night I finished a book. That is a really big thing for me. I have dealt for months with the fear of the insanity returning to my brain. Its always been a pet fear. When we first married I made Andre promise that if I ever went crazy he would lock me in the attic not send me away.
Of course he promised because he goes with the flow , but there I was two years ago doing the very think I was so frightened of. And now, because I didn't have the support of Tobin and Dr Silverman at the Positive Care clinic and a therapist at the Ross who keeps putting litmus paper on my forehead I can breathe a little easier. Last time I made six weeks before I had to stop. At the moment I am almost finished three and feeling fine, crazy wise. Life is OK
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wednesday
Dear Blog,
Well well well, its week three, middle of, and here I am, slightly worse for the wear, but fighting on. I am beginning to understand the routine. Eat, sleep and pee. Hey I'm a newborn baby.
And because I am such a sucker for punishment, we have contractors coming tomorrow to tear out and renovate my bathroom. Its the bathroom from hell. If I submitted a picture of it to the Oprah Winfrey show she would personally supervise the make over herself.
To give you an idea, when showering I never put my hand on the outside will because I am afraid the bricks will give way and I will wind up soapy and naked in the backyard.
If you are in the tub, you must avoid the falling insects and Andre leveled the faucet in the tub with a margerine tub lid. Long ago.
The other night I was ....well peeing. I looked into the tub and there was the biggest thing with a hundred legs I ever saw. I beat it to death with Andre's Sports Illustrated.
The next night I was again well.... you know and there was a spider in the tub the size of a nickel. Yup, same fate, same magazine. My cat jumped into the tub and ate that one. Is there a mouthwash for cats?
Anyway, with the renovation starting tomorrow I will have no bathroom for a week. I hope the neighbor really likes me. I hope I can learn to pee in a pail. I hope I don't do bodily harm to one of the contractors. Apparently being able to do bodily harm is one of the symptoms of the drug. So we are all on "hatchet murder" alert.
Strange, but as I sit here writing this silliness, I looked down, and there on the desk beside my computer is my Grandma Naomi's WCTU lifetime membership pin. Thats Women's Christian Temperance Union for the uninitiated. It is a little gold bow covered with seed pearls. She cherished it and it is/was tucked safely away in a special box at the top of my closed. And yet here it. Someplace it should not be. They say spirits move things to let you know they are there caring for you. I think she is. And of course looking shocked at my lack of ladylike behavior in discussion bathroom things in public. I think I will wear the pin today. A person needs all the angels she can get.
sending love
g
Well well well, its week three, middle of, and here I am, slightly worse for the wear, but fighting on. I am beginning to understand the routine. Eat, sleep and pee. Hey I'm a newborn baby.
And because I am such a sucker for punishment, we have contractors coming tomorrow to tear out and renovate my bathroom. Its the bathroom from hell. If I submitted a picture of it to the Oprah Winfrey show she would personally supervise the make over herself.
To give you an idea, when showering I never put my hand on the outside will because I am afraid the bricks will give way and I will wind up soapy and naked in the backyard.
If you are in the tub, you must avoid the falling insects and Andre leveled the faucet in the tub with a margerine tub lid. Long ago.
The other night I was ....well peeing. I looked into the tub and there was the biggest thing with a hundred legs I ever saw. I beat it to death with Andre's Sports Illustrated.
The next night I was again well.... you know and there was a spider in the tub the size of a nickel. Yup, same fate, same magazine. My cat jumped into the tub and ate that one. Is there a mouthwash for cats?
Anyway, with the renovation starting tomorrow I will have no bathroom for a week. I hope the neighbor really likes me. I hope I can learn to pee in a pail. I hope I don't do bodily harm to one of the contractors. Apparently being able to do bodily harm is one of the symptoms of the drug. So we are all on "hatchet murder" alert.
Strange, but as I sit here writing this silliness, I looked down, and there on the desk beside my computer is my Grandma Naomi's WCTU lifetime membership pin. Thats Women's Christian Temperance Union for the uninitiated. It is a little gold bow covered with seed pearls. She cherished it and it is/was tucked safely away in a special box at the top of my closed. And yet here it. Someplace it should not be. They say spirits move things to let you know they are there caring for you. I think she is. And of course looking shocked at my lack of ladylike behavior in discussion bathroom things in public. I think I will wear the pin today. A person needs all the angels she can get.
sending love
g
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Dear Blog
I'm sharing my lunch with you. (Tomato soup and crackers) I especially like the crackers. So far I have eaten two sleeves of crackers since treatment began. Maybe thats how you are supposed to measure it. Not in days, or number of injections, but in sleeves of crackers.
My new tub is sitting in the living room. Andre stood it on end so I would have a bath right there. What a mean man he is. Scott and Lyn were over for dinner last night and I loved it. It was almost normal. I think that is important. Trying to do normal things as much as you can. Its good for your soul.
I tire so easily though. I am beginning to learn the rhythm of this. Get up around nine. Have breakfast and a whole handful of pills and then go back to bed for a couple of hours to sleep so I won't toss the pills.
Get up, have lunch do whatever for a couple more hours and then another nap. Supper and TV most of the evening. Evenings seem to be my best time. Last night I actually ate four bites of a really nice pork chop. That was all the protein I could handle. Seems to be Tobin's biggest concern that I'm not getting enough protein. Well the stomach wants what the stomach wants I always say.
Tonight I get my third injection. I can't say the time has flown by, but its not crawling either. I am sharing a dubious anniversary with you. It was 29 years ago today that I got hit by that stupid cow and ruptured my spleen and set all this in motion. 29 years since I laid in that ER cursing the fates because I wasn't going to be home in time for All creatures Great and Small. 29 years since I had my own personal life and death moment. Did I see the white light? Nope. Did I hover over my own body? Nope. Did I hear the voice of God........maybe. I think my reptilian brain (the one behind the frontal lobe) knew that I had to protect the tiny perfect life within me and that I was not going without a fight. In fact I was not going at all.
And so I am, all these years later fighting this same fight. And alot of it has to do with not wanting to leave those I love so dearly, so I guess its all sort of the same.
And so what have I learned so far? Well I always knew how to love. (I'm a Scorpio. We love and hate in big giant doese). But what I am learning after all these years is how to receive love. There is so much of it around me. I can just breathe it in. I wish I had known that before. It would have carried me through so many other crisis.
Gotta go. Lyn and I are going to Garry's Garden Centre to look at flowers. Now that will definitly be medicine for the soul
sending love
g
I'm sharing my lunch with you. (Tomato soup and crackers) I especially like the crackers. So far I have eaten two sleeves of crackers since treatment began. Maybe thats how you are supposed to measure it. Not in days, or number of injections, but in sleeves of crackers.
My new tub is sitting in the living room. Andre stood it on end so I would have a bath right there. What a mean man he is. Scott and Lyn were over for dinner last night and I loved it. It was almost normal. I think that is important. Trying to do normal things as much as you can. Its good for your soul.
I tire so easily though. I am beginning to learn the rhythm of this. Get up around nine. Have breakfast and a whole handful of pills and then go back to bed for a couple of hours to sleep so I won't toss the pills.
Get up, have lunch do whatever for a couple more hours and then another nap. Supper and TV most of the evening. Evenings seem to be my best time. Last night I actually ate four bites of a really nice pork chop. That was all the protein I could handle. Seems to be Tobin's biggest concern that I'm not getting enough protein. Well the stomach wants what the stomach wants I always say.
Tonight I get my third injection. I can't say the time has flown by, but its not crawling either. I am sharing a dubious anniversary with you. It was 29 years ago today that I got hit by that stupid cow and ruptured my spleen and set all this in motion. 29 years since I laid in that ER cursing the fates because I wasn't going to be home in time for All creatures Great and Small. 29 years since I had my own personal life and death moment. Did I see the white light? Nope. Did I hover over my own body? Nope. Did I hear the voice of God........maybe. I think my reptilian brain (the one behind the frontal lobe) knew that I had to protect the tiny perfect life within me and that I was not going without a fight. In fact I was not going at all.
And so I am, all these years later fighting this same fight. And alot of it has to do with not wanting to leave those I love so dearly, so I guess its all sort of the same.
And so what have I learned so far? Well I always knew how to love. (I'm a Scorpio. We love and hate in big giant doese). But what I am learning after all these years is how to receive love. There is so much of it around me. I can just breathe it in. I wish I had known that before. It would have carried me through so many other crisis.
Gotta go. Lyn and I are going to Garry's Garden Centre to look at flowers. Now that will definitly be medicine for the soul
sending love
g
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I went outside today
Dear Blog,
Yes I actually went outside today. All the way to Peterborough in fact for my first meeting with Tobin since starting the protocol two weeks ago. She took blood to check on my platelets and white blood cells. She was very pleased at how I was coping. To tell the truth so am I. It tests the mettle of which you are made.
Basically I take a needle on Sunday nights. That is the interferon part. Then I take five pills a day. That is the ribovarin part.Its all very complicated but apparently the crappier I feel the better the odds are that the treatment is working and I will live to spend my own money instead of fixing it up to sell after I'm gone so Andre and the new missus can find someplace else that doesn't remind her so much of me.!
So I am going to live. I am going to live through the treatment and through the disease and through the rest of my oh-so-interesting life. At least that is the plan for today.
Tomorrow Kiki and I have to go out and buy me a big floppy summer hat. And I have to wear and SPF 50. Apparently I will explode into a ball of fire if exposed to the sun. But Kiki and I have decided white is in this summer. Its the new brown. So we will be setting a fashion trend. Kiki by the way is just one of those slavically gorgeous blue eyed blondes who never tans anyway. So now she has company.
I feel strong and centered tonight. What with my warrior spirit, my loving friends and of course the grace of God I am going to live to annoy everyone another day.
sending love
g
Yes I actually went outside today. All the way to Peterborough in fact for my first meeting with Tobin since starting the protocol two weeks ago. She took blood to check on my platelets and white blood cells. She was very pleased at how I was coping. To tell the truth so am I. It tests the mettle of which you are made.
Basically I take a needle on Sunday nights. That is the interferon part. Then I take five pills a day. That is the ribovarin part.Its all very complicated but apparently the crappier I feel the better the odds are that the treatment is working and I will live to spend my own money instead of fixing it up to sell after I'm gone so Andre and the new missus can find someplace else that doesn't remind her so much of me.!
So I am going to live. I am going to live through the treatment and through the disease and through the rest of my oh-so-interesting life. At least that is the plan for today.
Tomorrow Kiki and I have to go out and buy me a big floppy summer hat. And I have to wear and SPF 50. Apparently I will explode into a ball of fire if exposed to the sun. But Kiki and I have decided white is in this summer. Its the new brown. So we will be setting a fashion trend. Kiki by the way is just one of those slavically gorgeous blue eyed blondes who never tans anyway. So now she has company.
I feel strong and centered tonight. What with my warrior spirit, my loving friends and of course the grace of God I am going to live to annoy everyone another day.
sending love
g
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
One day at a time
Dear Blog,
It hasn't been a good week. The upset tummy seems to have settled in for the long haul. Off that is the good news. I have lost 2.5 lbs in the last two weeks. Only a woman could apreciate that.
As nice as the weather has been I have not been outside in three days. Tomorrow we go to Peterborough for my first followup since starting treatment. This is definitely not fun but it is preferable to dying.
Next week the contractors come to start the reno on our bathroom. I AM GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW SOAKIE TUB. But in order for that to happen we have to pee in a bucket for 3-4 days while our bathroom is out of commission.
I'm sorry, was that too much information. How about this, my tulips are all in bloom and they are gorgeous. I like the orange ones the best. If I can drag my sorry butt to the Garden Centre on Saturday I will get some impatiens. They love our soil and the colours are so pretty. The colour does help.
Got to go, american idol is on soon. I am filling my brain with candy. It's easy to digest.
sending love
g
It hasn't been a good week. The upset tummy seems to have settled in for the long haul. Off that is the good news. I have lost 2.5 lbs in the last two weeks. Only a woman could apreciate that.
As nice as the weather has been I have not been outside in three days. Tomorrow we go to Peterborough for my first followup since starting treatment. This is definitely not fun but it is preferable to dying.
Next week the contractors come to start the reno on our bathroom. I AM GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW SOAKIE TUB. But in order for that to happen we have to pee in a bucket for 3-4 days while our bathroom is out of commission.
I'm sorry, was that too much information. How about this, my tulips are all in bloom and they are gorgeous. I like the orange ones the best. If I can drag my sorry butt to the Garden Centre on Saturday I will get some impatiens. They love our soil and the colours are so pretty. The colour does help.
Got to go, american idol is on soon. I am filling my brain with candy. It's easy to digest.
sending love
g
Monday, May 12, 2008
Could we make up chucking an Olympic sport?
Happy Belated Mothers day to anyone I missed. (that includes those with dogs, cats and men.)
It was a lovely day to be reminded that even though you may have screwed your children up badly they grew up got over it, turned out ok and forgive you your errors and ommissions.
Considering I have no great passion for children, mine turned out really good. Must have been their fathers influence. Seriously I am the last person in the room to say "Oh please, let me hold the baby!"
Now kittens and puppies. Thats different. And there has been the odd child that I just adored.
My friend Glenda just became a grandmother again. I'm like "Whatever...." She is piddling like a puppy she is so happy and i'm thinking that now we have less time together. And I have four grandchildren of my own. I have four grandchildren of my own. They think I'm quirky, I think they are sticky and don't say thank you nearly enough.
Don't mind me. I am cranky today. I had my interferon injection last night and all I want to do today is throw up until I am completely inside out. Sorry about the visual. I am starting to hate toast and gingerale.
I still have a big red blotch from last week's injection site and I swear if I had a joint I would smoke it.
Its 2:15 and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, or brushed my hair. I don't think I will. I think I will stay this yucky until Andre gets home. Its hard to sympathize with someone who doesn't look really sick. And I want sympathy really really bad.
They are shingling the roof on the house across the street and I may go over and kill them. I want ice cream and a nap. Just can't decide to take the nap before or afterI kill the guys on the roof.
Stay tuned I will let you know how it all turned out.
sending love
g
It was a lovely day to be reminded that even though you may have screwed your children up badly they grew up got over it, turned out ok and forgive you your errors and ommissions.
Considering I have no great passion for children, mine turned out really good. Must have been their fathers influence. Seriously I am the last person in the room to say "Oh please, let me hold the baby!"
Now kittens and puppies. Thats different. And there has been the odd child that I just adored.
My friend Glenda just became a grandmother again. I'm like "Whatever...." She is piddling like a puppy she is so happy and i'm thinking that now we have less time together. And I have four grandchildren of my own. I have four grandchildren of my own. They think I'm quirky, I think they are sticky and don't say thank you nearly enough.
Don't mind me. I am cranky today. I had my interferon injection last night and all I want to do today is throw up until I am completely inside out. Sorry about the visual. I am starting to hate toast and gingerale.
I still have a big red blotch from last week's injection site and I swear if I had a joint I would smoke it.
Its 2:15 and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, or brushed my hair. I don't think I will. I think I will stay this yucky until Andre gets home. Its hard to sympathize with someone who doesn't look really sick. And I want sympathy really really bad.
They are shingling the roof on the house across the street and I may go over and kill them. I want ice cream and a nap. Just can't decide to take the nap before or afterI kill the guys on the roof.
Stay tuned I will let you know how it all turned out.
sending love
g
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Just before Mothers Day
It was lovely today. Andre spent most of the day working on his honey doo list and I spent most of it sleeping. I love sleeping. Somebody told me that it was my body's way of saying 'you go away for awhile while we work" I like that.
So lets see, aside from nausea and fatigue I discovered last night that I am having an injection site reaction. That just means a red spot the size of a lemon where the needle went in last Sunday.
My living room is currently full of new bathroom stuff. Shawn stopped by today and he is going to start the reno on the 27th. I will have a soaker tub. I plan to stay in it until this treatment is over. Once in a while I may let the water out just to change the bubble bath but then its back in.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. Beth and Ryan are both being very sensitive to my need to keep it quiet. Of course I will appreciate the gifts. For that matter, now that they are all grown up I really appreciate them.
I hope its nice tomorrow. I want to sit on my swing in the backyard and take it one hour at a time.
sending love
g
So lets see, aside from nausea and fatigue I discovered last night that I am having an injection site reaction. That just means a red spot the size of a lemon where the needle went in last Sunday.
My living room is currently full of new bathroom stuff. Shawn stopped by today and he is going to start the reno on the 27th. I will have a soaker tub. I plan to stay in it until this treatment is over. Once in a while I may let the water out just to change the bubble bath but then its back in.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. Beth and Ryan are both being very sensitive to my need to keep it quiet. Of course I will appreciate the gifts. For that matter, now that they are all grown up I really appreciate them.
I hope its nice tomorrow. I want to sit on my swing in the backyard and take it one hour at a time.
sending love
g
Thursday, May 8, 2008
May 8th, 2008
Dear Blog,
Well, day 2 of blogging and I'm not bored yet. How about you? Want to hear about how much I have wanted to throw up all day? Can't though. Must keep the meds down. Are we having fun yet?
Tobin, my angel of a nurse from the Positive Care Clinic says to take it one day at a time, and if you can't do that then one hour at a time. Today I am taking it one minute at a time.
My friend Pat says my editing is terrible. He is right of course, but I think it gives my work character. However, I am trying.
Subject for today; Who is blog. I am trying to decide if I am writing to everyone, to someone or to myself (cause I so love the sound of my own thoughts). So, in the end I have decided that Blog is an entity unto itself. Sort of like Shrek. Only I think Blog is a big squishy sea creature that rises out of the water sometimes when I go there to meditate. I think it is a he, although I can't be sure. Anyway, he has big huge liquid eyes the size of dinner plates and he can sit half in and half out of the water when he wishes. He makes sympathetic clucky noises and when he feels like I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself he goes back into the water with a big tail splash as he goes.
Its hard today as I am feeling very sick. The "how can I do this for 48 weeks" sort of sick. It doesn't matter that the sun is wonderful or that my tulips are blooming or that this Sunday is Mothers day. All I can think of is how am I going to get through Mothers Day?
I must remember that even if I feel like I would have to rally to die, each day on the Interferon is a day that the Hepatitus is not having a picnic in my liver. The disease is too busy fighting the treatment to picnic.
By the way, if anyone reading knows anyone with Hep C please feel free to pass this site along. It is such a lonely disease. It might help.
Ok Blog, go back to the ocean. I'm going to watch TV. Here's a kiss for your big wet nose.
sending love
gayle
Dear Blog,
Well, day 2 of blogging and I'm not bored yet. How about you? Want to hear about how much I have wanted to throw up all day? Can't though. Must keep the meds down. Are we having fun yet?
Tobin, my angel of a nurse from the Positive Care Clinic says to take it one day at a time, and if you can't do that then one hour at a time. Today I am taking it one minute at a time.
My friend Pat says my editing is terrible. He is right of course, but I think it gives my work character. However, I am trying.
Subject for today; Who is blog. I am trying to decide if I am writing to everyone, to someone or to myself (cause I so love the sound of my own thoughts). So, in the end I have decided that Blog is an entity unto itself. Sort of like Shrek. Only I think Blog is a big squishy sea creature that rises out of the water sometimes when I go there to meditate. I think it is a he, although I can't be sure. Anyway, he has big huge liquid eyes the size of dinner plates and he can sit half in and half out of the water when he wishes. He makes sympathetic clucky noises and when he feels like I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself he goes back into the water with a big tail splash as he goes.
Its hard today as I am feeling very sick. The "how can I do this for 48 weeks" sort of sick. It doesn't matter that the sun is wonderful or that my tulips are blooming or that this Sunday is Mothers day. All I can think of is how am I going to get through Mothers Day?
I must remember that even if I feel like I would have to rally to die, each day on the Interferon is a day that the Hepatitus is not having a picnic in my liver. The disease is too busy fighting the treatment to picnic.
By the way, if anyone reading knows anyone with Hep C please feel free to pass this site along. It is such a lonely disease. It might help.
Ok Blog, go back to the ocean. I'm going to watch TV. Here's a kiss for your big wet nose.
sending love
gayle
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Its raining. It's Wednesday and I am on my third day of treatment for a disease that has been quietly killing me for 30 years.
On the May 24th weekend 30 years ago I ruptured my spleen while quite pregnant and needed 10 pints of blood to save me and my baby. All my adult life I pictured ten wonderful loving souls who gave "the gift of life" to me.
Turns out I had to be greatful to a guy named Bubba in a cell somewhere in the good old USA who was selling his tainted blood for cigarette money. It would be really funny if it wasn't so serious.
I discovered I was infectedin 2004 and so, for the last eight years I have living the on the roller coaster that comes with this sort of challenge. Fortunately I love to sleep because I am doing alot of it. I discovered that anti-depressants are yummy. The seratonin buzz really makes life worth living. I can't work anymore so I get to sleep as late as I like (see sleeping again it will be a re-occuring theme.)
So, more about me. I am 54 years old, mostly a writer, a mother and a wife and a child of God. I am counting heavily on the latter these days. I am blogging this journey because every one who knows me says "oh you should write this all down" Like pulling a rabbit out of my..... anyway.... One of the worst parts of dealing with Hep C is that you feel very alone with the disease. IF you have breast cancer you can't spit without hitting a survivor or a network or something. There seems to be something quietly shameful about Hep C I always feel compelled to tell people I got it through a blood transfusion. Like it take some of the stigma off it. Well that is my hangup isn't it. There isnothing shameful aboutbeing ill. No matter what the problem or how you got it. I have always believed that for others so why not for me?
Note to self: Work on that one.
And so this is my journey. Through the darkness into the light on the other side. Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy flight.
On the May 24th weekend 30 years ago I ruptured my spleen while quite pregnant and needed 10 pints of blood to save me and my baby. All my adult life I pictured ten wonderful loving souls who gave "the gift of life" to me.
Turns out I had to be greatful to a guy named Bubba in a cell somewhere in the good old USA who was selling his tainted blood for cigarette money. It would be really funny if it wasn't so serious.
I discovered I was infectedin 2004 and so, for the last eight years I have living the on the roller coaster that comes with this sort of challenge. Fortunately I love to sleep because I am doing alot of it. I discovered that anti-depressants are yummy. The seratonin buzz really makes life worth living. I can't work anymore so I get to sleep as late as I like (see sleeping again it will be a re-occuring theme.)
So, more about me. I am 54 years old, mostly a writer, a mother and a wife and a child of God. I am counting heavily on the latter these days. I am blogging this journey because every one who knows me says "oh you should write this all down" Like pulling a rabbit out of my..... anyway.... One of the worst parts of dealing with Hep C is that you feel very alone with the disease. IF you have breast cancer you can't spit without hitting a survivor or a network or something. There seems to be something quietly shameful about Hep C I always feel compelled to tell people I got it through a blood transfusion. Like it take some of the stigma off it. Well that is my hangup isn't it. There isnothing shameful aboutbeing ill. No matter what the problem or how you got it. I have always believed that for others so why not for me?
Note to self: Work on that one.
And so this is my journey. Through the darkness into the light on the other side. Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy flight.
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