there's a big empty room where my bathroom used to be

Dear Blog,

Listen........ thats the sound of no one banging and breaking and thumping in my house. They have quit for the day Thank The Lord. And they were kind enough to hook up my new toilet before they left so I only had to pee in the pail once. It was cute though, Andre went to Crappy Tire and bought me a new pail and put a toilet seat on it and put it in the closet under the stairs. He said I finally had my powder room down there.

It was not a good day physically. I got up earlier than I like , tossed back my pills and my breakfast cuz I knew they were coming and then my indignant body tossed my breakfast right back. The interferon is definitely in charge. Its like keeping a pet dragon. As long as it is fed and groomed it will not eat you. How in heavens name do you groom a dragon anyway.

Andre spent most of the day planting annuals around the yard. He loves impatiens with their cute little faces and colours and it is very pretty out there now. EXCEPT ITS TOO FRIGGING COLD TO SIT OUT THERE.

I have to apply SPF 50 every time I go out now. Apparently if I don't I will burst into flames or something. Personally I think I stink. Sunblock only smells right at the beach. When I think of the days my sister/friend Nancy and I used to sun ourselves on the roof of her apartment building wearing baby oil, I hang my head is shame.

I sat in a lawn chair this afternoon watching Andre plant flowers and thought about how caught between two worlds I feel. I was sort of in the outside world of flowers and new bathtubs and stuff and part of me was still deeply internal fighting the fight. Its a delicate balancing act. If I go too far in either direction, the other world yanks me back. I can't be well, and I can't be sick. Like I said a balancing act.

I had a triumph last night however. Ryan gave a copy of a really sweet book that Jimmy Carter wrote about his mother for Mothers day and last night at 2:27 am I finished it.

This is a milestone because I am taking Pegatron this time. Two years ago I was on Pegasys and for a variety of reasons, all related to treatment, I became a manic depressive looney toon. Seriously. Now for those who know me I can hear you saying, How can you tell? I'll ignore that. One of the symptoms was that I couldn't read or watch TV or follow the plot of the simplest story.

And last night I finished a book. That is a really big thing for me. I have dealt for months with the fear of the insanity returning to my brain. Its always been a pet fear. When we first married I made Andre promise that if I ever went crazy he would lock me in the attic not send me away.
Of course he promised because he goes with the flow , but there I was two years ago doing the very think I was so frightened of. And now, because I didn't have the support of Tobin and Dr Silverman at the Positive Care clinic and a therapist at the Ross who keeps putting litmus paper on my forehead I can breathe a little easier. Last time I made six weeks before I had to stop. At the moment I am almost finished three and feeling fine, crazy wise. Life is OK