Good Afternoon all,
A wake will be held tomorrow at Stoddarts Funeral Home in Lindsay from 7-9 pm. There will be a service there Thursday afternoon at 3. We hope to have a reception at the house to follow.
The support we have received from all of you has been a blessing. Thank you all again. And don't feel you can't come at any time and share your grief or feelings with us. Many have and I think before all is said and done many more will. Our door is open...and once the sun goes down...so is the wine.
ryan
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sad News
Good evening all,
This is Gayle's son Ryan writing.
At 6:30 tonight, Saturday September 20th 2008...my mother and your friend Gayle died. While we don't know the exact cause, we do know she has now gone on to a better place. She was a wonderful, incredible woman who will be missed by all of us.
That's all I can write for now...forgive me for not elaborating...the family is in mourning and I will take this time now, in case I'm not granted it in the future to thank you all for your continued support to her throughout her illness. It was the strength of her friends and loved ones that allowed her to fight as hard as she did.
There are no immediate plans as far as service or memorial...but I will try to update when we know more.
This is Gayle's son Ryan writing.
At 6:30 tonight, Saturday September 20th 2008...my mother and your friend Gayle died. While we don't know the exact cause, we do know she has now gone on to a better place. She was a wonderful, incredible woman who will be missed by all of us.
That's all I can write for now...forgive me for not elaborating...the family is in mourning and I will take this time now, in case I'm not granted it in the future to thank you all for your continued support to her throughout her illness. It was the strength of her friends and loved ones that allowed her to fight as hard as she did.
There are no immediate plans as far as service or memorial...but I will try to update when we know more.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Canadian Idol -my guy won. nothing to do with anything
Hi,
I'm back. I thought i would reassure you that I didn't eat my gun last night. Oh wait I don't have a gun. Yucky things , hurt people.
I went to bed about 5, got up at noon and thought "oh good another day to feel rotten". I wanted to go to the mall and get some new jeans. I live in them and nothing fits me, but there was no one available to take me and so I will go with Andre on Saturday. Shopping for clothes with your husband? Now there's a reason to end it all.
However a couple of good things happened today. I got my daily phone call from my son. Did I mention he is the most perfect person on the planet. I know, I rented him space for nine months and he trashed the place before he left.
And tonight Scotty walked in with flowers and cake. Ok his wife Lynda sent him, but he did the errand and i couldn't decide which made me happier, him or the cake.
I don't know what the life lesson is here and I'm not trying real hard to find it. I figure if I get it , I will be done and I will have to go.
And that is the fault of all of you I consider my loved ones. Without going into detail (alcoholic father distant mother) I had a really fucked up childhood. I thought because I am so smart and spiritual that I had it all figured out. Therapy helps. But what I didn't know about myself is that I wouldn't have recognized love if you filled a bucket and threw it on me. Years ago during a really bad moment Andre told me that loving me was like pouring sand down a rat hole. You could never fill it up. I didn't realize at the time, but he was right.
And now I see love. I see the deep warm passionate red of Andre'slove. I see the needy clingy part of myself love of my children. I see the warm pink love of friends like Glenda and Lynda and Krista and Ida. God bless Ida. She will let me die she just wont let me be dying. Throughout my life whenever I saw love coming at me my reaction was always "why me, what have I done to earn it"
I realize now that love isn't a prize its a gift. I don't have to earn it, i just have to accept it. Oh well better late than never?I don't know what to do next but I have to figure it out. Too many people need me to be ok with this. If I can't accept this they won't either. I'm in a very dark place right now but I am sure there is light somewhere. No not that light. The one that just makes you happy because the sun is shining. I'm hopeless aren't I.
And ANdre brought me a chicken tonight so I know he loves me.
good night sweet friends
sleep well
g
I'm back. I thought i would reassure you that I didn't eat my gun last night. Oh wait I don't have a gun. Yucky things , hurt people.
I went to bed about 5, got up at noon and thought "oh good another day to feel rotten". I wanted to go to the mall and get some new jeans. I live in them and nothing fits me, but there was no one available to take me and so I will go with Andre on Saturday. Shopping for clothes with your husband? Now there's a reason to end it all.
However a couple of good things happened today. I got my daily phone call from my son. Did I mention he is the most perfect person on the planet. I know, I rented him space for nine months and he trashed the place before he left.
And tonight Scotty walked in with flowers and cake. Ok his wife Lynda sent him, but he did the errand and i couldn't decide which made me happier, him or the cake.
I don't know what the life lesson is here and I'm not trying real hard to find it. I figure if I get it , I will be done and I will have to go.
And that is the fault of all of you I consider my loved ones. Without going into detail (alcoholic father distant mother) I had a really fucked up childhood. I thought because I am so smart and spiritual that I had it all figured out. Therapy helps. But what I didn't know about myself is that I wouldn't have recognized love if you filled a bucket and threw it on me. Years ago during a really bad moment Andre told me that loving me was like pouring sand down a rat hole. You could never fill it up. I didn't realize at the time, but he was right.
And now I see love. I see the deep warm passionate red of Andre'slove. I see the needy clingy part of myself love of my children. I see the warm pink love of friends like Glenda and Lynda and Krista and Ida. God bless Ida. She will let me die she just wont let me be dying. Throughout my life whenever I saw love coming at me my reaction was always "why me, what have I done to earn it"
I realize now that love isn't a prize its a gift. I don't have to earn it, i just have to accept it. Oh well better late than never?I don't know what to do next but I have to figure it out. Too many people need me to be ok with this. If I can't accept this they won't either. I'm in a very dark place right now but I am sure there is light somewhere. No not that light. The one that just makes you happy because the sun is shining. I'm hopeless aren't I.
And ANdre brought me a chicken tonight so I know he loves me.
good night sweet friends
sleep well
g
Can I stop now/
Hi,
Its me. I took a little time to shove my head up my ass. I guess a carribean vacation would have been more productive.
So lets see, how am I. Good question. I have HEP C as we all know treatment didn't work blah blah blah. I have pneumonia in both lungs from the treatment and my compromised immune system and I fell last Saturday in the parking lot at Tim Hortons. Stepped into a pothole and face planted. I am covered in bruises. And everything hurts including my dignity but I know its the least of my problems.
So I am possibly officially the first person on the planet to be ill, sick and injured all at the same time. And oh yes did I mention the 20 lbs I put on in three weeks? All on my belly. I look pregnant. Nothing fits me and I blew up so fast that my skin feels tight. Don't you just want to throw me down and have sex with me right now. Don't bother, it looks like I have already done it.
And so its 4:30 in the morning. I spent an hour in the tub trying to surround myself with white light. I tried to picture all of you. I tried to picture my new cupboards but all to no avail. Its not a pretty picture but if you must, picture a 54 year old fat woman sitting in a tub in the middle of the night crying her ass off.
I'm not strong, I'm not brave, once again I am not fullfilling all the potential god gave gave me.
And don't even get me started on God. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat in some experiment. "lets give her a great life and then make her sick" Surely he has enough Scorpio's in heaven. He really doesn't need me.I don't do dishes, I love to sleep and really I have nothing important to add to the conversation.
And summer is gone and I missed it cuz I spent 15 weeks throwing up. Did you know that you could herniate your belly button from throwing up? Me neither. Who would have thought about that. Great spiritual thoughts are bouncing off me. Tell me to read so and so's book and I might hit you with my purse (if I could find it). I am no more special or entitled than the next person . I asked the doctor if we did nothing (not that there is anything else to do but a new treatment is about two years off. Same stuff plus another drug, uh no.......) Anyway I asked him how long I had before my liver said enough and went off looking for onions.
He said it could be two years it could be twenty. Its like walking around with a piano tied above your head. You just don't know when that rope is going to break.
Well I think sooner. I'm up to here with pep talks and positive thoughts and meditating light. I would like to think about something else for a change besides my liver and my lungs and my banged up knee. I can hear the positive among you saying "Its a choice make a different one" Well being positive takes energy and I don't have any. And cake. Cake always helps.
All I know is that I am the person other people look to for answers and I usually have them and they are usually right. At the moment I got nothing. Zip. Nada. If you go out into my very neglected flower bed , find the biggest fattest worm there and ask it the meaning of life it will give you a more intelligent answer than I can.
I hate this. I am not fullfilling my potential. I am not growing spiritually, and my jeans don't fit. and I'm sitting here eating frozen yogurt which will give me an upset tummy tomorrow and I don't care.
Ok, i'm going to stop now. I am sounding like Rick Mercer only I am ranting just to hear myself rant. You are all in bed anyway. I hope your dreams are sweet ones.
g
Its me. I took a little time to shove my head up my ass. I guess a carribean vacation would have been more productive.
So lets see, how am I. Good question. I have HEP C as we all know treatment didn't work blah blah blah. I have pneumonia in both lungs from the treatment and my compromised immune system and I fell last Saturday in the parking lot at Tim Hortons. Stepped into a pothole and face planted. I am covered in bruises. And everything hurts including my dignity but I know its the least of my problems.
So I am possibly officially the first person on the planet to be ill, sick and injured all at the same time. And oh yes did I mention the 20 lbs I put on in three weeks? All on my belly. I look pregnant. Nothing fits me and I blew up so fast that my skin feels tight. Don't you just want to throw me down and have sex with me right now. Don't bother, it looks like I have already done it.
And so its 4:30 in the morning. I spent an hour in the tub trying to surround myself with white light. I tried to picture all of you. I tried to picture my new cupboards but all to no avail. Its not a pretty picture but if you must, picture a 54 year old fat woman sitting in a tub in the middle of the night crying her ass off.
I'm not strong, I'm not brave, once again I am not fullfilling all the potential god gave gave me.
And don't even get me started on God. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat in some experiment. "lets give her a great life and then make her sick" Surely he has enough Scorpio's in heaven. He really doesn't need me.I don't do dishes, I love to sleep and really I have nothing important to add to the conversation.
And summer is gone and I missed it cuz I spent 15 weeks throwing up. Did you know that you could herniate your belly button from throwing up? Me neither. Who would have thought about that. Great spiritual thoughts are bouncing off me. Tell me to read so and so's book and I might hit you with my purse (if I could find it). I am no more special or entitled than the next person . I asked the doctor if we did nothing (not that there is anything else to do but a new treatment is about two years off. Same stuff plus another drug, uh no.......) Anyway I asked him how long I had before my liver said enough and went off looking for onions.
He said it could be two years it could be twenty. Its like walking around with a piano tied above your head. You just don't know when that rope is going to break.
Well I think sooner. I'm up to here with pep talks and positive thoughts and meditating light. I would like to think about something else for a change besides my liver and my lungs and my banged up knee. I can hear the positive among you saying "Its a choice make a different one" Well being positive takes energy and I don't have any. And cake. Cake always helps.
All I know is that I am the person other people look to for answers and I usually have them and they are usually right. At the moment I got nothing. Zip. Nada. If you go out into my very neglected flower bed , find the biggest fattest worm there and ask it the meaning of life it will give you a more intelligent answer than I can.
I hate this. I am not fullfilling my potential. I am not growing spiritually, and my jeans don't fit. and I'm sitting here eating frozen yogurt which will give me an upset tummy tomorrow and I don't care.
Ok, i'm going to stop now. I am sounding like Rick Mercer only I am ranting just to hear myself rant. You are all in bed anyway. I hope your dreams are sweet ones.
g
Friday, August 15, 2008
Hi,
I know I have been gone a long time. I was walking through the shadow....... Since I last blogged I developed shingles , my liver is the size of a football and I have pneumonia in my left lung and when I went down to see the doctor on Tuesday I was told that my viral load had not disappeared by week 12 and so we stop.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Or a brick. I think I'm still in shock.
The worst of it is that I blame myself for not beating the Hep C. Andre keeps telling methat I wasn't fighting the Hep C the Interferon was.
Sounds good in theory but I feel like I let everyone down. Andre says he never saw anyone fight harder in his life. Nice of him to say so.
So what now? Don't know. The Doc says there is a new treatment about 2 years out. If God is kind and I am good to my liver, perhaps I will still be here to try it.
I have no game plan, no idea what I am going to do with life or how to make plans
Ihave learned that you must treat everyday like your last.
I have learned that I can bear much more than I thought
I have learned how to recognize true friendship and to accept love with no strings attached
I have learned that I will never throw up oatmeal.
I have learned that I love to sleep
I have learned to shut up and listen more. I learned this from not having the energy to talk.
And I have learned to see animals in my bubble bath. Mostly bunnies but once I saw a moose.
I won't be gone so long next time. I guess there is still much to discuss
g
I know I have been gone a long time. I was walking through the shadow....... Since I last blogged I developed shingles , my liver is the size of a football and I have pneumonia in my left lung and when I went down to see the doctor on Tuesday I was told that my viral load had not disappeared by week 12 and so we stop.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Or a brick. I think I'm still in shock.
The worst of it is that I blame myself for not beating the Hep C. Andre keeps telling methat I wasn't fighting the Hep C the Interferon was.
Sounds good in theory but I feel like I let everyone down. Andre says he never saw anyone fight harder in his life. Nice of him to say so.
So what now? Don't know. The Doc says there is a new treatment about 2 years out. If God is kind and I am good to my liver, perhaps I will still be here to try it.
I have no game plan, no idea what I am going to do with life or how to make plans
Ihave learned that you must treat everyday like your last.
I have learned that I can bear much more than I thought
I have learned how to recognize true friendship and to accept love with no strings attached
I have learned that I will never throw up oatmeal.
I have learned that I love to sleep
I have learned to shut up and listen more. I learned this from not having the energy to talk.
And I have learned to see animals in my bubble bath. Mostly bunnies but once I saw a moose.
I won't be gone so long next time. I guess there is still much to discuss
g
Monday, July 28, 2008
"Monday Monday"
Its Monday. They tell me its really nice outside. I wouldn't know. I have spent the day talking into the big white telephone.
Its has been a really weird week. I was up chucky all of last week. Nothing seemed to be working. Not gingerale, not pot, not gravol. There was nothing to do except crab and throw up,.
We went to Peterpatch on Thursday and Tobin took more blood. This is the make or break test. Now I have a giant bruise where she took the samples. Doesn't usually happen. Must be a platelet thing.
I am getting very frustrated with my inablility to do anything. There is lots and lots of little crap to be done. "I d on't care" seems to have become my motto. Tobin and I discussed the "numbness for want of a better word to describe how I am feeling. Or not feeling. I feel emotionally shot full of novacaine. I can watch everything happening but I can't seem to feel deeply enough about anything to invest emotionally. Tobin said she understood being the creative right brained creature that I am but that it is necessary to protect my right brain. Oh well, only 34 weeks to go. Will anyone still love me when its over?Yuck I am a great big blob of selfpity aren't I. It could be worse. ...
I have had two baths in my soaky tub today. So it could be worse. Did I mention I love my tub. I would sleep in it if I thought I wouldn't drown. But it would be a glorious way to go. Seeping in bubble bath and epson salts. At least I wouldn't dry out. And I would smell glorious. I would like to meet God smelling glorious. He probably deals with enough stinky people as it is.
peace out
g
Its has been a really weird week. I was up chucky all of last week. Nothing seemed to be working. Not gingerale, not pot, not gravol. There was nothing to do except crab and throw up,.
We went to Peterpatch on Thursday and Tobin took more blood. This is the make or break test. Now I have a giant bruise where she took the samples. Doesn't usually happen. Must be a platelet thing.
I am getting very frustrated with my inablility to do anything. There is lots and lots of little crap to be done. "I d on't care" seems to have become my motto. Tobin and I discussed the "numbness for want of a better word to describe how I am feeling. Or not feeling. I feel emotionally shot full of novacaine. I can watch everything happening but I can't seem to feel deeply enough about anything to invest emotionally. Tobin said she understood being the creative right brained creature that I am but that it is necessary to protect my right brain. Oh well, only 34 weeks to go. Will anyone still love me when its over?Yuck I am a great big blob of selfpity aren't I. It could be worse. ...
I have had two baths in my soaky tub today. So it could be worse. Did I mention I love my tub. I would sleep in it if I thought I wouldn't drown. But it would be a glorious way to go. Seeping in bubble bath and epson salts. At least I wouldn't dry out. And I would smell glorious. I would like to meet God smelling glorious. He probably deals with enough stinky people as it is.
peace out
g
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday musings
Its Tuesday so I have survived yet another monday. Thats 11 treatments now. One more and we do the viral load check again. I have finally found something to deal with the sores on my tongue and the organic nausea drug is working very well.
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
I had a long chat with Kiki today in her back yard about the meaning of it all. She was asking what I have learned so far. And it is this. That we are a physical self and a spiritual self and they are two very separate entities. Whatever attacks your physical self can weaken and sicken you but the essence of your spirit cannot be touch. I am just so aware of the separation between the two. No matter how physically worn down, ill etc I get, my spirit is intact. I think perhaps death is simply the releasing of that spirit from a broken body. Something to consider.
Thank goodness the summer hasn't been too hot. Although the weather like everything else is something I seem to be content to watch out my window. I have withdraw from alot and thats ok. I'm busy enjoying the exquisite taste of strawberries, and the delicate smell of flowers and the softness of my new sheets. Andre and I always call new bedding "pudding sheets" cuz it feels like putting against your skin.
I hope nothing important happens in the world while I have withdrawn from it. But I'm sure someone will catch me up.
flinging love into the universe
g
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sucks to bealone in Hep C Land
Ten weeks in. Have found an organic solution to the nausea and am taking antibiotics for the sores on my tongue and in my throat No sign I am losing my hair and I sleep about 15 hours a day.
I find that this far in friends are sort of getting back to business. Not that they don't love and support me, its just that I am not doing anything very interesting right now so everyone is sort going about business as usual.
Its like a marathon. Everyone I love was cheering me across the starting line and I know they will be at the finish line, its just this is a long and boring stretch and there are not alot of people lining the road. Some, and I thank you, but not all.
I would love get well cards. They are cheery and cheery is good. E-mails are good too. And short phone conversation.
Lynda is making me rice pudding with raisins cuz I love it. Beth is going to make me stuffed red peppers. Glenda has a thousand ways to let me know she loves me.
Krista just fills me up. I hope I remember the lessons I am learning about loving friends through illness.
Gotta go. I'll be jollier next time. I promise.
I find that this far in friends are sort of getting back to business. Not that they don't love and support me, its just that I am not doing anything very interesting right now so everyone is sort going about business as usual.
Its like a marathon. Everyone I love was cheering me across the starting line and I know they will be at the finish line, its just this is a long and boring stretch and there are not alot of people lining the road. Some, and I thank you, but not all.
I would love get well cards. They are cheery and cheery is good. E-mails are good too. And short phone conversation.
Lynda is making me rice pudding with raisins cuz I love it. Beth is going to make me stuffed red peppers. Glenda has a thousand ways to let me know she loves me.
Krista just fills me up. I hope I remember the lessons I am learning about loving friends through illness.
Gotta go. I'll be jollier next time. I promise.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Hump Day
I'm back!!
Well not really. I didn't go anywhere. Well thats not entirely true either. I did go to Peterborough with Andre on Thursday to see Tobin. Pep talk, doing well, faith in me, lots of Positive reinforcement etc etc etc.. But its part of her job and I don't know how she does it.
She deals with more HIV/Aids patients that Hep C patients and where she finds the inner light to shine for those dealing with that issue is beyond me.
Except that when I go too far down sucks to me lane I think of Tobin and the patients who really have little hope and I turn around and come back.
Where was I? Oh yes, Peterborough. I gave up lunch at Red Lobster to have lunch with my son. Still not sure if was the right choice. OH OF COURSE IT WAS! I'm just being cranky cuz I got no sleep last night. The sores on my tongue seemed to have moved onto my right ear and throat and I am having trouble swallowing (cuz it hurts). Damn I do keep wandering today.
We went to the Brick and bought new furniture for the living room. So the old stuff is under the carport, the new stuff is in the truck and I am sitting on the floor. WELL NOT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Ryan and Catherine came for a Canada Day Burgers thing that was nice. Really I wanted my son's strong back to carry boxes from the basement with all the stuff from the old kitchen. And help his dad carry out the old sofa on account of Andre can still hardly stand up straight what with putting his back out while walking funny trying to compensate for his broken toe. Geez, having a busted liver seems insignificant in the face of all that.
Anyway I need beverage, I need to sweep the new floor, I need to put on a bra before the delivery guys arrive and I scare them to death.
flinging love into the universe
g
Well not really. I didn't go anywhere. Well thats not entirely true either. I did go to Peterborough with Andre on Thursday to see Tobin. Pep talk, doing well, faith in me, lots of Positive reinforcement etc etc etc.. But its part of her job and I don't know how she does it.
She deals with more HIV/Aids patients that Hep C patients and where she finds the inner light to shine for those dealing with that issue is beyond me.
Except that when I go too far down sucks to me lane I think of Tobin and the patients who really have little hope and I turn around and come back.
Where was I? Oh yes, Peterborough. I gave up lunch at Red Lobster to have lunch with my son. Still not sure if was the right choice. OH OF COURSE IT WAS! I'm just being cranky cuz I got no sleep last night. The sores on my tongue seemed to have moved onto my right ear and throat and I am having trouble swallowing (cuz it hurts). Damn I do keep wandering today.
We went to the Brick and bought new furniture for the living room. So the old stuff is under the carport, the new stuff is in the truck and I am sitting on the floor. WELL NOT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Ryan and Catherine came for a Canada Day Burgers thing that was nice. Really I wanted my son's strong back to carry boxes from the basement with all the stuff from the old kitchen. And help his dad carry out the old sofa on account of Andre can still hardly stand up straight what with putting his back out while walking funny trying to compensate for his broken toe. Geez, having a busted liver seems insignificant in the face of all that.
Anyway I need beverage, I need to sweep the new floor, I need to put on a bra before the delivery guys arrive and I scare them to death.
flinging love into the universe
g
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Hump Day
What a beautiful day. I have been sitting in the backyard reading for the first time this year. Of course the fact that the guys are laying flooring in the kitchen makes the backyard that much more appealing.
We went to Crystal Lake yesterday afternoon for dinner. It was delicious being there beside the lake and trying to remember when I didn't feel like crap.
Tomorrow we go to Peterborough to see Tobin. Its been eight weeks now. It feels quick when I look back and like it will be forever if I look forward. So I am trying not too
I feel very dull today. Like I have nothing deep, inspirational or meaningful to say. Physically I guess I am doing ok but spiritually I am getting weary. I can't imagine where I am going to draw from for the next 40 weeks. I keep telling myself its this or death but then really we are all going to die sometime so that argument really doesn't work. I am doing this because....... Gee I don't remember why I am doing this, I just am. Its like why climb the mountain - because its there.
Why would I get the illness if surviving the treatment wasn't import in a learning sort of way. Ok God, I'm taking your damn test. Do I have to wait 40 weeks for my grade. And it better be an "A".
flinging love into the universe
g
We went to Crystal Lake yesterday afternoon for dinner. It was delicious being there beside the lake and trying to remember when I didn't feel like crap.
Tomorrow we go to Peterborough to see Tobin. Its been eight weeks now. It feels quick when I look back and like it will be forever if I look forward. So I am trying not too
I feel very dull today. Like I have nothing deep, inspirational or meaningful to say. Physically I guess I am doing ok but spiritually I am getting weary. I can't imagine where I am going to draw from for the next 40 weeks. I keep telling myself its this or death but then really we are all going to die sometime so that argument really doesn't work. I am doing this because....... Gee I don't remember why I am doing this, I just am. Its like why climb the mountain - because its there.
Why would I get the illness if surviving the treatment wasn't import in a learning sort of way. Ok God, I'm taking your damn test. Do I have to wait 40 weeks for my grade. And it better be an "A".
flinging love into the universe
g
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Half full half empty
Well its Thursday and I heard today from Tobin. My test results are in. My viral load is not gone but it has gone down. She says thats amazing considering the stage of the disease I am at.
But it also means that I have to go to 48 weeks not 26 as I had hoped. My sister/friend Krista says she wasn't surprised, that I am a complete warrior and I wouldn't settle for a battle half won. That my spirit has to beat this thing into the ground. I will keep that in mind when I want to curl up in a ball and feel so sorry for myself that i just want to die. Except apparently there is a good chance that I am not going to die, so dying now would seem pretty pointless. Am I making any sense?
I need it to get warm and sunny but then so does everyone else. I am going to a summer solstice celebration on Saturday night. It is an Andean Circle celebration and I know the energy there will do much for my soul. I am going with Wanda who I haven't seen in awhile and she is also a light Warrior and a friend so I will sharpen my battle axe and go.
I have decided that when this is all over and I have emerged victorious I am going to get a tattoo to honour the victory. I think I will have it put on the inside of my wrist to remind me of what I am capable of.
Of what we all are capable of. God, I'm so deep and interesting!
flinging love into the universe
gayle
But it also means that I have to go to 48 weeks not 26 as I had hoped. My sister/friend Krista says she wasn't surprised, that I am a complete warrior and I wouldn't settle for a battle half won. That my spirit has to beat this thing into the ground. I will keep that in mind when I want to curl up in a ball and feel so sorry for myself that i just want to die. Except apparently there is a good chance that I am not going to die, so dying now would seem pretty pointless. Am I making any sense?
I need it to get warm and sunny but then so does everyone else. I am going to a summer solstice celebration on Saturday night. It is an Andean Circle celebration and I know the energy there will do much for my soul. I am going with Wanda who I haven't seen in awhile and she is also a light Warrior and a friend so I will sharpen my battle axe and go.
I have decided that when this is all over and I have emerged victorious I am going to get a tattoo to honour the victory. I think I will have it put on the inside of my wrist to remind me of what I am capable of.
Of what we all are capable of. God, I'm so deep and interesting!
flinging love into the universe
gayle
Monday, June 16, 2008
Fathers day
Its monday, its needle day and I have already tossed my breakfast so please forgive me if my sense of humour is a little out of whack.
I have had three baths in my soakie tub in the last 24 hours. It doesn't really help the nausea but it is relaxing so I can cope.
We went to Beths for fathers day dinner. She made her dad a turkey with all the fixings (his request). She is a fine cook, my daughter. Makes me proud. We cut out right after dinner. I can't do alot of people for very long. I did manage a chat with Hannah, my 6 year old granddaughter about who was cooler. Alvin or Theodore. Apparently Simon was not in the running. My children and grandchildren adore Andre. If there was nothing else right about our relationship (and there is lots) he is the best father I know. The kids know that their world will always be safe as long as Andre is in it. Must be a great feeling.
I don't speak much of my father. but I think of him around fathers day. He was a journalist, in the forties tradition of fedora's with a press sign on the hat. He would have loved computers. He was brilliant and charming and really funny. He had a way with the ladies. It was a power he used for evil not for good, and oh yes. He was an alcoholic. I really didn't know him well since, like most alcoholics he had two personalities. The sober man and the drunken one.
I like to think that the best of me came from him. And through this journey I have figured out that perhaps he suffered from depression as well. Only in his day you drowned it in booze.
Its moot now since he has been dead for almost ten years. Went back to Vancouver Island, like an old salmon to die. I wish I had known him better. I wish he had known me better. Iwish, I wish, I wish......
Anyway, happy fathers day Ted. I hope wherever you are that you are watching out for me. You might not have been much of a father, but you were a very cool dude.
Gotto go throw up again.
sending love into the universe
gayle
I have had three baths in my soakie tub in the last 24 hours. It doesn't really help the nausea but it is relaxing so I can cope.
We went to Beths for fathers day dinner. She made her dad a turkey with all the fixings (his request). She is a fine cook, my daughter. Makes me proud. We cut out right after dinner. I can't do alot of people for very long. I did manage a chat with Hannah, my 6 year old granddaughter about who was cooler. Alvin or Theodore. Apparently Simon was not in the running. My children and grandchildren adore Andre. If there was nothing else right about our relationship (and there is lots) he is the best father I know. The kids know that their world will always be safe as long as Andre is in it. Must be a great feeling.
I don't speak much of my father. but I think of him around fathers day. He was a journalist, in the forties tradition of fedora's with a press sign on the hat. He would have loved computers. He was brilliant and charming and really funny. He had a way with the ladies. It was a power he used for evil not for good, and oh yes. He was an alcoholic. I really didn't know him well since, like most alcoholics he had two personalities. The sober man and the drunken one.
I like to think that the best of me came from him. And through this journey I have figured out that perhaps he suffered from depression as well. Only in his day you drowned it in booze.
Its moot now since he has been dead for almost ten years. Went back to Vancouver Island, like an old salmon to die. I wish I had known him better. I wish he had known me better. Iwish, I wish, I wish......
Anyway, happy fathers day Ted. I hope wherever you are that you are watching out for me. You might not have been much of a father, but you were a very cool dude.
Gotto go throw up again.
sending love into the universe
gayle
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Curly, Larry and Andre
The time has come to talk about the people I have referred to as "the reno guys" for weeks.
They do have names and identities.
Shawn is the contractor. He is first generation Irish Canadian and you can tell this at a glance. He is stocky with curly brown hair and a prize fighters nose. He is quick to laugh, loves to talk and works like a horse.
His side kick is a handsome young man named Chris. He is also funny in a quieter way, Easy on the eyes in that muscle shirt labourer sort of way and has a melancholy in his eyes that comes from a tragedy a few years ago involving a child. The kind of sadness that never goes away, even when you move on.
They have been so aware ofmy state of treatment. If they are here on a Monday they keep the radio down and try to work quietly. I go to bed and shut the door. When I feel better I sit on the primer pail and watch the magic they are performing in my house. I have learned alot these last few weeks.
They are amazed at what I can sleep through. But they have started to feel like friends and so I don't feel like my home is invaded by strangers anymore. Except I keep finding strange women in kitchen who are involved with one or the other, dropping by to check out the work. That is a little disconcerting.
Then there is Andre. Tall handsome, clueless when it come to construction and sooooo excited about this whole thing. Every night he comes home with a long list of questions which of course I can't answer. That frustrates him I know. Just don't really care at this point.
However what qualifies him for this comedy act is that on Thursday when the cupboards arrived he was pulling off cardboard and plastic and yup, you guessed it, dropped the last one on his foot and broke his big toe. Its quite the sight all purple and swollen. I'm sorry is this too much information.
They are back next wednesday and should be finished by Friday. I am going to miss then. Not Andre of course. He isn't going anywhere. He is just going to hobble around my house for the next six weeks. Which is why professionals are handling the renovation.
sending love into the universe
g
They do have names and identities.
Shawn is the contractor. He is first generation Irish Canadian and you can tell this at a glance. He is stocky with curly brown hair and a prize fighters nose. He is quick to laugh, loves to talk and works like a horse.
His side kick is a handsome young man named Chris. He is also funny in a quieter way, Easy on the eyes in that muscle shirt labourer sort of way and has a melancholy in his eyes that comes from a tragedy a few years ago involving a child. The kind of sadness that never goes away, even when you move on.
They have been so aware ofmy state of treatment. If they are here on a Monday they keep the radio down and try to work quietly. I go to bed and shut the door. When I feel better I sit on the primer pail and watch the magic they are performing in my house. I have learned alot these last few weeks.
They are amazed at what I can sleep through. But they have started to feel like friends and so I don't feel like my home is invaded by strangers anymore. Except I keep finding strange women in kitchen who are involved with one or the other, dropping by to check out the work. That is a little disconcerting.
Then there is Andre. Tall handsome, clueless when it come to construction and sooooo excited about this whole thing. Every night he comes home with a long list of questions which of course I can't answer. That frustrates him I know. Just don't really care at this point.
However what qualifies him for this comedy act is that on Thursday when the cupboards arrived he was pulling off cardboard and plastic and yup, you guessed it, dropped the last one on his foot and broke his big toe. Its quite the sight all purple and swollen. I'm sorry is this too much information.
They are back next wednesday and should be finished by Friday. I am going to miss then. Not Andre of course. He isn't going anywhere. He is just going to hobble around my house for the next six weeks. Which is why professionals are handling the renovation.
sending love into the universe
g
Monday, June 9, 2008
Just Another Manic Monday
Dear Blog,
Its Monday, its hot and I am coping with my sixth needle. Its not really too bad today. Of course I don't say that outloud. It cuts back on the sympathy factor.
I now have no kitchen. Just a big empty room with a fridge and stove. The reno guys have been here so much I am thinking of adopting them. Then it won't feel like there are strangers in my house.
Saturday night we went to supper with Scott and Lynda and then went to see Indiana Jones. All was great until we came out of the theatre and I tried to do a face plant on the sidewalk. Perhaps it was the heat. I think I was a little dehydratedcuz when we got home Andre made me drink a big glass of water with ice and I didn't go potty once in the night. But I did throw up all night so who knows?
Anyway I was better by Sunday and I am resolved to have more respect for this treatment business. Its like a marathon. I don't have to cross the finish line first, I just have to cross the finish line.
I know my right brain is now under attack from the drugs but so far I am holding my own. I am having a little trouble following a storyline and I can't remember anything for more than 5 seconds but I am neither suicidal or homicidal and not too depressed. And I can sleep. So far no manic behavior. I find myself exploring the vast landscape today of 40 more weeks of this. Is it cowardly to say I don't want to? I am starting to forget who I was before the Interferon. Oh yeah, I remember, someone who was dying.
In the meantime I think this son of a bitch is sorely testing my sense of humour. I'd be a little angry if I had the energy. Oh well, there is no one to be angry at is there? I will try to go back to being my funny brave self tomorrow.
flinging love into the universe
g
Its Monday, its hot and I am coping with my sixth needle. Its not really too bad today. Of course I don't say that outloud. It cuts back on the sympathy factor.
I now have no kitchen. Just a big empty room with a fridge and stove. The reno guys have been here so much I am thinking of adopting them. Then it won't feel like there are strangers in my house.
Saturday night we went to supper with Scott and Lynda and then went to see Indiana Jones. All was great until we came out of the theatre and I tried to do a face plant on the sidewalk. Perhaps it was the heat. I think I was a little dehydratedcuz when we got home Andre made me drink a big glass of water with ice and I didn't go potty once in the night. But I did throw up all night so who knows?
Anyway I was better by Sunday and I am resolved to have more respect for this treatment business. Its like a marathon. I don't have to cross the finish line first, I just have to cross the finish line.
I know my right brain is now under attack from the drugs but so far I am holding my own. I am having a little trouble following a storyline and I can't remember anything for more than 5 seconds but I am neither suicidal or homicidal and not too depressed. And I can sleep. So far no manic behavior. I find myself exploring the vast landscape today of 40 more weeks of this. Is it cowardly to say I don't want to? I am starting to forget who I was before the Interferon. Oh yeah, I remember, someone who was dying.
In the meantime I think this son of a bitch is sorely testing my sense of humour. I'd be a little angry if I had the energy. Oh well, there is no one to be angry at is there? I will try to go back to being my funny brave self tomorrow.
flinging love into the universe
g
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Apparently I"m not crazy yet.
Dear Blog,
I went to the shrink today. She says I'm not crazy. Maybe I am and she doesn't know me well enough. We talked about the fact that Andre sooooo annoying yesterday I could barely stand him. Now I get it. He has to oversee the reno,. look after all my needs and do his job. He has a right to be stressed. IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE. In mine I'm at the top of everylist.
Anyway I was telling Dianne that I annoyed with him and was that a sign that I was going crazy. She asked if I wanted to drive a hammer into his brain. I said no. She said I'm not crazy. See I forgot its all about impulse control.
The reno guys took the day off THANK THE LORD. Its amazing how exhausting it is having people in your house all the time. Tommorow they are starting on the flooring and replacing the living room windows. So I think I am going to get Krista to take me to Crystal Lake where I can lay in a lawn chair, look out at the water and RELAX. Kiki has never been there before so she should like it. Except that she is afraid of frogs. I KNOW. Frogs, of all gods harmless creatures. Now bats I understand. I don't carehow many times you tell me they are just hamsters with wings they are horrible vicious little beasts who want to kill me. I know this. I have always known this. But a fear of frogs? Now that's plain silly.
Flinging love into the universe
g
I went to the shrink today. She says I'm not crazy. Maybe I am and she doesn't know me well enough. We talked about the fact that Andre sooooo annoying yesterday I could barely stand him. Now I get it. He has to oversee the reno,. look after all my needs and do his job. He has a right to be stressed. IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE. In mine I'm at the top of everylist.
Anyway I was telling Dianne that I annoyed with him and was that a sign that I was going crazy. She asked if I wanted to drive a hammer into his brain. I said no. She said I'm not crazy. See I forgot its all about impulse control.
The reno guys took the day off THANK THE LORD. Its amazing how exhausting it is having people in your house all the time. Tommorow they are starting on the flooring and replacing the living room windows. So I think I am going to get Krista to take me to Crystal Lake where I can lay in a lawn chair, look out at the water and RELAX. Kiki has never been there before so she should like it. Except that she is afraid of frogs. I KNOW. Frogs, of all gods harmless creatures. Now bats I understand. I don't carehow many times you tell me they are just hamsters with wings they are horrible vicious little beasts who want to kill me. I know this. I have always known this. But a fear of frogs? Now that's plain silly.
Flinging love into the universe
g
Saturday, May 31, 2008
A Day in the Life
I wish I could look at my life from a distance. I think it would be much more entertaining than up close.
I crawled out of bed at the crack of 9 this morning cuz my angel sister/friend Krista was coming to paint my bathroom. Yup 12 days and no sink. Everything is ready it just needed painting and I can't.
She paints. I sit on the floor and talk and at 10 am I go to the afterhours clinic cuz I have a bladder infection. I know this because my sugar spiked to 27 last Monday and bacteria loves sugar. The problem is that I know the antibiotic that works but most Dr.'s have their own idea's so I hate it. But i powdered and dressed and over I went.
My first luck of the day. My former family doctor was working the clinic. Yaaaaaahhhhhh. No explaining, no begging, just a small lecture about being more careful, a script for the drugs and I'm out of there.
While waiting I got into a waiting room chat with a guy who looked to be late 50's really buff. He had knee replacement surgery from an old hockey injury (as he told me) and needed another pain med because it wasn't the sixties anymore and the percoset was just too much.
I eventually realized he was flirting with me/responding to my natural charm. Wasn't looking for that! So script in hand I came home to find the reno guy here for something or other and one look at Krista and his tongue was hanging down to his knees. And rightly so, she is beautiful. I know he was flirting because I heard her using the phrase "my boyfriend" alot.
After a much needed nap, I went downtown to fill the script and another middle aged guy held both doors open for me at the drugstore. I flashed him my brilliant smile and said thank you and he smiled and said "my pleasure darlin".
On the way home I pondered what was up. I'm five weeks into protocol and I look like shit (in my opinion) Then the light went on. It was the breasts (hereafter known as the girls). They have gotten doors open for me all my life. Never understanding it , I have always accepted it. I mean if babies were crawling to open doors, I might get it. But grown men. And I'm not even responsible for them. They came from my mother for God's sake. How sick is that. My daughter didn't get them however. That will teach her to be a pain in her teens . I skipped her and went straight to my granddaughter.
Anyway I digress. It occured to me on the drive home that even if I look awful and worst of worsts lose my hair, my boobs will never fall off. So I may make it through with my physical self esteem in tact. How shallow am I?
Have a great day. I think I did.
g
I crawled out of bed at the crack of 9 this morning cuz my angel sister/friend Krista was coming to paint my bathroom. Yup 12 days and no sink. Everything is ready it just needed painting and I can't.
She paints. I sit on the floor and talk and at 10 am I go to the afterhours clinic cuz I have a bladder infection. I know this because my sugar spiked to 27 last Monday and bacteria loves sugar. The problem is that I know the antibiotic that works but most Dr.'s have their own idea's so I hate it. But i powdered and dressed and over I went.
My first luck of the day. My former family doctor was working the clinic. Yaaaaaahhhhhh. No explaining, no begging, just a small lecture about being more careful, a script for the drugs and I'm out of there.
While waiting I got into a waiting room chat with a guy who looked to be late 50's really buff. He had knee replacement surgery from an old hockey injury (as he told me) and needed another pain med because it wasn't the sixties anymore and the percoset was just too much.
I eventually realized he was flirting with me/responding to my natural charm. Wasn't looking for that! So script in hand I came home to find the reno guy here for something or other and one look at Krista and his tongue was hanging down to his knees. And rightly so, she is beautiful. I know he was flirting because I heard her using the phrase "my boyfriend" alot.
After a much needed nap, I went downtown to fill the script and another middle aged guy held both doors open for me at the drugstore. I flashed him my brilliant smile and said thank you and he smiled and said "my pleasure darlin".
On the way home I pondered what was up. I'm five weeks into protocol and I look like shit (in my opinion) Then the light went on. It was the breasts (hereafter known as the girls). They have gotten doors open for me all my life. Never understanding it , I have always accepted it. I mean if babies were crawling to open doors, I might get it. But grown men. And I'm not even responsible for them. They came from my mother for God's sake. How sick is that. My daughter didn't get them however. That will teach her to be a pain in her teens . I skipped her and went straight to my granddaughter.
Anyway I digress. It occured to me on the drive home that even if I look awful and worst of worsts lose my hair, my boobs will never fall off. So I may make it through with my physical self esteem in tact. How shallow am I?
Have a great day. I think I did.
g
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Living in the moment
Everyone from the Dalai Lama to Oprah talks about the living in the moment. Like it is some sort of cure for all of the worlds spiritual and psychological woes. Good thought. Hard to do.
Unless you are facing some sort of physical adversity. I am, of course, not speaking for everyone here, just for me. I didn't achieve this enlightenment I was just sort of plopped here. I think it is because the treatment never takes a break and so neither can I. There is no break for me. I just live in the moment, and in the moment I can cope.
Andre was home yesterday and the guys doing the reno had to go to Haliburton to put new doors on a cottage or something. And what did Andre do all day? He planned or he shopped or he thought about it all. I finally told him that if he did not stop discussing it with me I was going to scream.
He stopped, for awhile. Till we went out into the backyard for some coffee and some sun. Well I had decaf tea and slathered myself with SPF 50, anyway there we were, I was reading Sports Illustrated and he was reading the Sears Catalogue looking for a cabinet for the new bathroom. I started to get annoyed and then I realized that he is not living in my world. He is living beside it.As close as he can get, but not right in the bubble with me.
I feel that way about everything these days. Like I'm sitting in the bench at the train station and the train is coming but I don't get up because no one that is getting off is for me. I know that sounds like depression but really its not. It's more like a walking meditation. My body needs all the spiritual help I can give it and so I have to concentrate. I think thats why I lost control last time. I didn't concentrate.
But neither Andre nor anyone else who loves me can be where I am, and so I have to be more tolerant of their efforts. They are doing the best to fulfill my needs. Hey I just thought of another metaphor that works (I love metaphors) They are sort of like my pit crew and I'm the prizefighter and they can towel me off and make me spit in the bucket but they can't fight the fight for me. Their advice is valuable, as is their help, but the fight is mine to fight.
Gotta go, I think I just heard the bell for round 4.
Unless you are facing some sort of physical adversity. I am, of course, not speaking for everyone here, just for me. I didn't achieve this enlightenment I was just sort of plopped here. I think it is because the treatment never takes a break and so neither can I. There is no break for me. I just live in the moment, and in the moment I can cope.
Andre was home yesterday and the guys doing the reno had to go to Haliburton to put new doors on a cottage or something. And what did Andre do all day? He planned or he shopped or he thought about it all. I finally told him that if he did not stop discussing it with me I was going to scream.
He stopped, for awhile. Till we went out into the backyard for some coffee and some sun. Well I had decaf tea and slathered myself with SPF 50, anyway there we were, I was reading Sports Illustrated and he was reading the Sears Catalogue looking for a cabinet for the new bathroom. I started to get annoyed and then I realized that he is not living in my world. He is living beside it.As close as he can get, but not right in the bubble with me.
I feel that way about everything these days. Like I'm sitting in the bench at the train station and the train is coming but I don't get up because no one that is getting off is for me. I know that sounds like depression but really its not. It's more like a walking meditation. My body needs all the spiritual help I can give it and so I have to concentrate. I think thats why I lost control last time. I didn't concentrate.
But neither Andre nor anyone else who loves me can be where I am, and so I have to be more tolerant of their efforts. They are doing the best to fulfill my needs. Hey I just thought of another metaphor that works (I love metaphors) They are sort of like my pit crew and I'm the prizefighter and they can towel me off and make me spit in the bucket but they can't fight the fight for me. Their advice is valuable, as is their help, but the fight is mine to fight.
Gotta go, I think I just heard the bell for round 4.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The tub is in!!!!!
I have a bathtub, and a toilet! No sink or walls but it hardly matters.
Its Saturday night and Andre is watching a bunch of grown men chase a little rubber puck around on the ice. This is my theory about hockey. If they gave everybody one they would stop fighting over it.
The reno guys aren't coming tomorrow thank the Lord. I need order in my life for a day. I am so tired that I am numb. Right down to my marrow tired. I am hoping this means that the battle inside me is going well.
I would sit down and have a good cry except it would take too much effort. I'm so weary that I find it hard to talk to the sweet souls that call to see how I am. Talking makes me nauseous. I think I am in that "One hour at a time" place. I can't even imagine 38 more weeks of this. So I won't. There is just today and then tomorrow.
My daughter Beth dropped by tonight with a plate of stuffed peppers. I love her stuffed peppers. Its nice to know they will be there for dinner tomorrow night. She is such a practical girl. My son worries about my emotional/spiritual needs and she feeds me.
Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice so we are going out to Scott and Lyn's to plant the vegetable garden we share with them. Well Andre and Lynda will plant, I will sit in the shade and give orders and Scotty will disappear. He hates gardens.
Tomorrow night is my fourth injection. God I hope this is working. I keep telling myself I am in this place to learn. A disease is just a disease. Its how to handle it that counts. And so I am trying to remember, to quote Ernest Hemingway......"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are stronger at the broken places."
Flinging love into the universe
g
Its Saturday night and Andre is watching a bunch of grown men chase a little rubber puck around on the ice. This is my theory about hockey. If they gave everybody one they would stop fighting over it.
The reno guys aren't coming tomorrow thank the Lord. I need order in my life for a day. I am so tired that I am numb. Right down to my marrow tired. I am hoping this means that the battle inside me is going well.
I would sit down and have a good cry except it would take too much effort. I'm so weary that I find it hard to talk to the sweet souls that call to see how I am. Talking makes me nauseous. I think I am in that "One hour at a time" place. I can't even imagine 38 more weeks of this. So I won't. There is just today and then tomorrow.
My daughter Beth dropped by tonight with a plate of stuffed peppers. I love her stuffed peppers. Its nice to know they will be there for dinner tomorrow night. She is such a practical girl. My son worries about my emotional/spiritual needs and she feeds me.
Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice so we are going out to Scott and Lyn's to plant the vegetable garden we share with them. Well Andre and Lynda will plant, I will sit in the shade and give orders and Scotty will disappear. He hates gardens.
Tomorrow night is my fourth injection. God I hope this is working. I keep telling myself I am in this place to learn. A disease is just a disease. Its how to handle it that counts. And so I am trying to remember, to quote Ernest Hemingway......"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are stronger at the broken places."
Flinging love into the universe
g
Thursday, May 22, 2008
there's a big empty room where my bathroom used to be
Dear Blog,
Listen........ thats the sound of no one banging and breaking and thumping in my house. They have quit for the day Thank The Lord. And they were kind enough to hook up my new toilet before they left so I only had to pee in the pail once. It was cute though, Andre went to Crappy Tire and bought me a new pail and put a toilet seat on it and put it in the closet under the stairs. He said I finally had my powder room down there.
It was not a good day physically. I got up earlier than I like , tossed back my pills and my breakfast cuz I knew they were coming and then my indignant body tossed my breakfast right back. The interferon is definitely in charge. Its like keeping a pet dragon. As long as it is fed and groomed it will not eat you. How in heavens name do you groom a dragon anyway.
Andre spent most of the day planting annuals around the yard. He loves impatiens with their cute little faces and colours and it is very pretty out there now. EXCEPT ITS TOO FRIGGING COLD TO SIT OUT THERE.
I have to apply SPF 50 every time I go out now. Apparently if I don't I will burst into flames or something. Personally I think I stink. Sunblock only smells right at the beach. When I think of the days my sister/friend Nancy and I used to sun ourselves on the roof of her apartment building wearing baby oil, I hang my head is shame.
I sat in a lawn chair this afternoon watching Andre plant flowers and thought about how caught between two worlds I feel. I was sort of in the outside world of flowers and new bathtubs and stuff and part of me was still deeply internal fighting the fight. Its a delicate balancing act. If I go too far in either direction, the other world yanks me back. I can't be well, and I can't be sick. Like I said a balancing act.
I had a triumph last night however. Ryan gave a copy of a really sweet book that Jimmy Carter wrote about his mother for Mothers day and last night at 2:27 am I finished it.
This is a milestone because I am taking Pegatron this time. Two years ago I was on Pegasys and for a variety of reasons, all related to treatment, I became a manic depressive looney toon. Seriously. Now for those who know me I can hear you saying, How can you tell? I'll ignore that. One of the symptoms was that I couldn't read or watch TV or follow the plot of the simplest story.
And last night I finished a book. That is a really big thing for me. I have dealt for months with the fear of the insanity returning to my brain. Its always been a pet fear. When we first married I made Andre promise that if I ever went crazy he would lock me in the attic not send me away.
Of course he promised because he goes with the flow , but there I was two years ago doing the very think I was so frightened of. And now, because I didn't have the support of Tobin and Dr Silverman at the Positive Care clinic and a therapist at the Ross who keeps putting litmus paper on my forehead I can breathe a little easier. Last time I made six weeks before I had to stop. At the moment I am almost finished three and feeling fine, crazy wise. Life is OK
Listen........ thats the sound of no one banging and breaking and thumping in my house. They have quit for the day Thank The Lord. And they were kind enough to hook up my new toilet before they left so I only had to pee in the pail once. It was cute though, Andre went to Crappy Tire and bought me a new pail and put a toilet seat on it and put it in the closet under the stairs. He said I finally had my powder room down there.
It was not a good day physically. I got up earlier than I like , tossed back my pills and my breakfast cuz I knew they were coming and then my indignant body tossed my breakfast right back. The interferon is definitely in charge. Its like keeping a pet dragon. As long as it is fed and groomed it will not eat you. How in heavens name do you groom a dragon anyway.
Andre spent most of the day planting annuals around the yard. He loves impatiens with their cute little faces and colours and it is very pretty out there now. EXCEPT ITS TOO FRIGGING COLD TO SIT OUT THERE.
I have to apply SPF 50 every time I go out now. Apparently if I don't I will burst into flames or something. Personally I think I stink. Sunblock only smells right at the beach. When I think of the days my sister/friend Nancy and I used to sun ourselves on the roof of her apartment building wearing baby oil, I hang my head is shame.
I sat in a lawn chair this afternoon watching Andre plant flowers and thought about how caught between two worlds I feel. I was sort of in the outside world of flowers and new bathtubs and stuff and part of me was still deeply internal fighting the fight. Its a delicate balancing act. If I go too far in either direction, the other world yanks me back. I can't be well, and I can't be sick. Like I said a balancing act.
I had a triumph last night however. Ryan gave a copy of a really sweet book that Jimmy Carter wrote about his mother for Mothers day and last night at 2:27 am I finished it.
This is a milestone because I am taking Pegatron this time. Two years ago I was on Pegasys and for a variety of reasons, all related to treatment, I became a manic depressive looney toon. Seriously. Now for those who know me I can hear you saying, How can you tell? I'll ignore that. One of the symptoms was that I couldn't read or watch TV or follow the plot of the simplest story.
And last night I finished a book. That is a really big thing for me. I have dealt for months with the fear of the insanity returning to my brain. Its always been a pet fear. When we first married I made Andre promise that if I ever went crazy he would lock me in the attic not send me away.
Of course he promised because he goes with the flow , but there I was two years ago doing the very think I was so frightened of. And now, because I didn't have the support of Tobin and Dr Silverman at the Positive Care clinic and a therapist at the Ross who keeps putting litmus paper on my forehead I can breathe a little easier. Last time I made six weeks before I had to stop. At the moment I am almost finished three and feeling fine, crazy wise. Life is OK
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wednesday
Dear Blog,
Well well well, its week three, middle of, and here I am, slightly worse for the wear, but fighting on. I am beginning to understand the routine. Eat, sleep and pee. Hey I'm a newborn baby.
And because I am such a sucker for punishment, we have contractors coming tomorrow to tear out and renovate my bathroom. Its the bathroom from hell. If I submitted a picture of it to the Oprah Winfrey show she would personally supervise the make over herself.
To give you an idea, when showering I never put my hand on the outside will because I am afraid the bricks will give way and I will wind up soapy and naked in the backyard.
If you are in the tub, you must avoid the falling insects and Andre leveled the faucet in the tub with a margerine tub lid. Long ago.
The other night I was ....well peeing. I looked into the tub and there was the biggest thing with a hundred legs I ever saw. I beat it to death with Andre's Sports Illustrated.
The next night I was again well.... you know and there was a spider in the tub the size of a nickel. Yup, same fate, same magazine. My cat jumped into the tub and ate that one. Is there a mouthwash for cats?
Anyway, with the renovation starting tomorrow I will have no bathroom for a week. I hope the neighbor really likes me. I hope I can learn to pee in a pail. I hope I don't do bodily harm to one of the contractors. Apparently being able to do bodily harm is one of the symptoms of the drug. So we are all on "hatchet murder" alert.
Strange, but as I sit here writing this silliness, I looked down, and there on the desk beside my computer is my Grandma Naomi's WCTU lifetime membership pin. Thats Women's Christian Temperance Union for the uninitiated. It is a little gold bow covered with seed pearls. She cherished it and it is/was tucked safely away in a special box at the top of my closed. And yet here it. Someplace it should not be. They say spirits move things to let you know they are there caring for you. I think she is. And of course looking shocked at my lack of ladylike behavior in discussion bathroom things in public. I think I will wear the pin today. A person needs all the angels she can get.
sending love
g
Well well well, its week three, middle of, and here I am, slightly worse for the wear, but fighting on. I am beginning to understand the routine. Eat, sleep and pee. Hey I'm a newborn baby.
And because I am such a sucker for punishment, we have contractors coming tomorrow to tear out and renovate my bathroom. Its the bathroom from hell. If I submitted a picture of it to the Oprah Winfrey show she would personally supervise the make over herself.
To give you an idea, when showering I never put my hand on the outside will because I am afraid the bricks will give way and I will wind up soapy and naked in the backyard.
If you are in the tub, you must avoid the falling insects and Andre leveled the faucet in the tub with a margerine tub lid. Long ago.
The other night I was ....well peeing. I looked into the tub and there was the biggest thing with a hundred legs I ever saw. I beat it to death with Andre's Sports Illustrated.
The next night I was again well.... you know and there was a spider in the tub the size of a nickel. Yup, same fate, same magazine. My cat jumped into the tub and ate that one. Is there a mouthwash for cats?
Anyway, with the renovation starting tomorrow I will have no bathroom for a week. I hope the neighbor really likes me. I hope I can learn to pee in a pail. I hope I don't do bodily harm to one of the contractors. Apparently being able to do bodily harm is one of the symptoms of the drug. So we are all on "hatchet murder" alert.
Strange, but as I sit here writing this silliness, I looked down, and there on the desk beside my computer is my Grandma Naomi's WCTU lifetime membership pin. Thats Women's Christian Temperance Union for the uninitiated. It is a little gold bow covered with seed pearls. She cherished it and it is/was tucked safely away in a special box at the top of my closed. And yet here it. Someplace it should not be. They say spirits move things to let you know they are there caring for you. I think she is. And of course looking shocked at my lack of ladylike behavior in discussion bathroom things in public. I think I will wear the pin today. A person needs all the angels she can get.
sending love
g
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Dear Blog
I'm sharing my lunch with you. (Tomato soup and crackers) I especially like the crackers. So far I have eaten two sleeves of crackers since treatment began. Maybe thats how you are supposed to measure it. Not in days, or number of injections, but in sleeves of crackers.
My new tub is sitting in the living room. Andre stood it on end so I would have a bath right there. What a mean man he is. Scott and Lyn were over for dinner last night and I loved it. It was almost normal. I think that is important. Trying to do normal things as much as you can. Its good for your soul.
I tire so easily though. I am beginning to learn the rhythm of this. Get up around nine. Have breakfast and a whole handful of pills and then go back to bed for a couple of hours to sleep so I won't toss the pills.
Get up, have lunch do whatever for a couple more hours and then another nap. Supper and TV most of the evening. Evenings seem to be my best time. Last night I actually ate four bites of a really nice pork chop. That was all the protein I could handle. Seems to be Tobin's biggest concern that I'm not getting enough protein. Well the stomach wants what the stomach wants I always say.
Tonight I get my third injection. I can't say the time has flown by, but its not crawling either. I am sharing a dubious anniversary with you. It was 29 years ago today that I got hit by that stupid cow and ruptured my spleen and set all this in motion. 29 years since I laid in that ER cursing the fates because I wasn't going to be home in time for All creatures Great and Small. 29 years since I had my own personal life and death moment. Did I see the white light? Nope. Did I hover over my own body? Nope. Did I hear the voice of God........maybe. I think my reptilian brain (the one behind the frontal lobe) knew that I had to protect the tiny perfect life within me and that I was not going without a fight. In fact I was not going at all.
And so I am, all these years later fighting this same fight. And alot of it has to do with not wanting to leave those I love so dearly, so I guess its all sort of the same.
And so what have I learned so far? Well I always knew how to love. (I'm a Scorpio. We love and hate in big giant doese). But what I am learning after all these years is how to receive love. There is so much of it around me. I can just breathe it in. I wish I had known that before. It would have carried me through so many other crisis.
Gotta go. Lyn and I are going to Garry's Garden Centre to look at flowers. Now that will definitly be medicine for the soul
sending love
g
I'm sharing my lunch with you. (Tomato soup and crackers) I especially like the crackers. So far I have eaten two sleeves of crackers since treatment began. Maybe thats how you are supposed to measure it. Not in days, or number of injections, but in sleeves of crackers.
My new tub is sitting in the living room. Andre stood it on end so I would have a bath right there. What a mean man he is. Scott and Lyn were over for dinner last night and I loved it. It was almost normal. I think that is important. Trying to do normal things as much as you can. Its good for your soul.
I tire so easily though. I am beginning to learn the rhythm of this. Get up around nine. Have breakfast and a whole handful of pills and then go back to bed for a couple of hours to sleep so I won't toss the pills.
Get up, have lunch do whatever for a couple more hours and then another nap. Supper and TV most of the evening. Evenings seem to be my best time. Last night I actually ate four bites of a really nice pork chop. That was all the protein I could handle. Seems to be Tobin's biggest concern that I'm not getting enough protein. Well the stomach wants what the stomach wants I always say.
Tonight I get my third injection. I can't say the time has flown by, but its not crawling either. I am sharing a dubious anniversary with you. It was 29 years ago today that I got hit by that stupid cow and ruptured my spleen and set all this in motion. 29 years since I laid in that ER cursing the fates because I wasn't going to be home in time for All creatures Great and Small. 29 years since I had my own personal life and death moment. Did I see the white light? Nope. Did I hover over my own body? Nope. Did I hear the voice of God........maybe. I think my reptilian brain (the one behind the frontal lobe) knew that I had to protect the tiny perfect life within me and that I was not going without a fight. In fact I was not going at all.
And so I am, all these years later fighting this same fight. And alot of it has to do with not wanting to leave those I love so dearly, so I guess its all sort of the same.
And so what have I learned so far? Well I always knew how to love. (I'm a Scorpio. We love and hate in big giant doese). But what I am learning after all these years is how to receive love. There is so much of it around me. I can just breathe it in. I wish I had known that before. It would have carried me through so many other crisis.
Gotta go. Lyn and I are going to Garry's Garden Centre to look at flowers. Now that will definitly be medicine for the soul
sending love
g
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I went outside today
Dear Blog,
Yes I actually went outside today. All the way to Peterborough in fact for my first meeting with Tobin since starting the protocol two weeks ago. She took blood to check on my platelets and white blood cells. She was very pleased at how I was coping. To tell the truth so am I. It tests the mettle of which you are made.
Basically I take a needle on Sunday nights. That is the interferon part. Then I take five pills a day. That is the ribovarin part.Its all very complicated but apparently the crappier I feel the better the odds are that the treatment is working and I will live to spend my own money instead of fixing it up to sell after I'm gone so Andre and the new missus can find someplace else that doesn't remind her so much of me.!
So I am going to live. I am going to live through the treatment and through the disease and through the rest of my oh-so-interesting life. At least that is the plan for today.
Tomorrow Kiki and I have to go out and buy me a big floppy summer hat. And I have to wear and SPF 50. Apparently I will explode into a ball of fire if exposed to the sun. But Kiki and I have decided white is in this summer. Its the new brown. So we will be setting a fashion trend. Kiki by the way is just one of those slavically gorgeous blue eyed blondes who never tans anyway. So now she has company.
I feel strong and centered tonight. What with my warrior spirit, my loving friends and of course the grace of God I am going to live to annoy everyone another day.
sending love
g
Yes I actually went outside today. All the way to Peterborough in fact for my first meeting with Tobin since starting the protocol two weeks ago. She took blood to check on my platelets and white blood cells. She was very pleased at how I was coping. To tell the truth so am I. It tests the mettle of which you are made.
Basically I take a needle on Sunday nights. That is the interferon part. Then I take five pills a day. That is the ribovarin part.Its all very complicated but apparently the crappier I feel the better the odds are that the treatment is working and I will live to spend my own money instead of fixing it up to sell after I'm gone so Andre and the new missus can find someplace else that doesn't remind her so much of me.!
So I am going to live. I am going to live through the treatment and through the disease and through the rest of my oh-so-interesting life. At least that is the plan for today.
Tomorrow Kiki and I have to go out and buy me a big floppy summer hat. And I have to wear and SPF 50. Apparently I will explode into a ball of fire if exposed to the sun. But Kiki and I have decided white is in this summer. Its the new brown. So we will be setting a fashion trend. Kiki by the way is just one of those slavically gorgeous blue eyed blondes who never tans anyway. So now she has company.
I feel strong and centered tonight. What with my warrior spirit, my loving friends and of course the grace of God I am going to live to annoy everyone another day.
sending love
g
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
One day at a time
Dear Blog,
It hasn't been a good week. The upset tummy seems to have settled in for the long haul. Off that is the good news. I have lost 2.5 lbs in the last two weeks. Only a woman could apreciate that.
As nice as the weather has been I have not been outside in three days. Tomorrow we go to Peterborough for my first followup since starting treatment. This is definitely not fun but it is preferable to dying.
Next week the contractors come to start the reno on our bathroom. I AM GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW SOAKIE TUB. But in order for that to happen we have to pee in a bucket for 3-4 days while our bathroom is out of commission.
I'm sorry, was that too much information. How about this, my tulips are all in bloom and they are gorgeous. I like the orange ones the best. If I can drag my sorry butt to the Garden Centre on Saturday I will get some impatiens. They love our soil and the colours are so pretty. The colour does help.
Got to go, american idol is on soon. I am filling my brain with candy. It's easy to digest.
sending love
g
It hasn't been a good week. The upset tummy seems to have settled in for the long haul. Off that is the good news. I have lost 2.5 lbs in the last two weeks. Only a woman could apreciate that.
As nice as the weather has been I have not been outside in three days. Tomorrow we go to Peterborough for my first followup since starting treatment. This is definitely not fun but it is preferable to dying.
Next week the contractors come to start the reno on our bathroom. I AM GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW SOAKIE TUB. But in order for that to happen we have to pee in a bucket for 3-4 days while our bathroom is out of commission.
I'm sorry, was that too much information. How about this, my tulips are all in bloom and they are gorgeous. I like the orange ones the best. If I can drag my sorry butt to the Garden Centre on Saturday I will get some impatiens. They love our soil and the colours are so pretty. The colour does help.
Got to go, american idol is on soon. I am filling my brain with candy. It's easy to digest.
sending love
g
Monday, May 12, 2008
Could we make up chucking an Olympic sport?
Happy Belated Mothers day to anyone I missed. (that includes those with dogs, cats and men.)
It was a lovely day to be reminded that even though you may have screwed your children up badly they grew up got over it, turned out ok and forgive you your errors and ommissions.
Considering I have no great passion for children, mine turned out really good. Must have been their fathers influence. Seriously I am the last person in the room to say "Oh please, let me hold the baby!"
Now kittens and puppies. Thats different. And there has been the odd child that I just adored.
My friend Glenda just became a grandmother again. I'm like "Whatever...." She is piddling like a puppy she is so happy and i'm thinking that now we have less time together. And I have four grandchildren of my own. I have four grandchildren of my own. They think I'm quirky, I think they are sticky and don't say thank you nearly enough.
Don't mind me. I am cranky today. I had my interferon injection last night and all I want to do today is throw up until I am completely inside out. Sorry about the visual. I am starting to hate toast and gingerale.
I still have a big red blotch from last week's injection site and I swear if I had a joint I would smoke it.
Its 2:15 and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, or brushed my hair. I don't think I will. I think I will stay this yucky until Andre gets home. Its hard to sympathize with someone who doesn't look really sick. And I want sympathy really really bad.
They are shingling the roof on the house across the street and I may go over and kill them. I want ice cream and a nap. Just can't decide to take the nap before or afterI kill the guys on the roof.
Stay tuned I will let you know how it all turned out.
sending love
g
It was a lovely day to be reminded that even though you may have screwed your children up badly they grew up got over it, turned out ok and forgive you your errors and ommissions.
Considering I have no great passion for children, mine turned out really good. Must have been their fathers influence. Seriously I am the last person in the room to say "Oh please, let me hold the baby!"
Now kittens and puppies. Thats different. And there has been the odd child that I just adored.
My friend Glenda just became a grandmother again. I'm like "Whatever...." She is piddling like a puppy she is so happy and i'm thinking that now we have less time together. And I have four grandchildren of my own. I have four grandchildren of my own. They think I'm quirky, I think they are sticky and don't say thank you nearly enough.
Don't mind me. I am cranky today. I had my interferon injection last night and all I want to do today is throw up until I am completely inside out. Sorry about the visual. I am starting to hate toast and gingerale.
I still have a big red blotch from last week's injection site and I swear if I had a joint I would smoke it.
Its 2:15 and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, or brushed my hair. I don't think I will. I think I will stay this yucky until Andre gets home. Its hard to sympathize with someone who doesn't look really sick. And I want sympathy really really bad.
They are shingling the roof on the house across the street and I may go over and kill them. I want ice cream and a nap. Just can't decide to take the nap before or afterI kill the guys on the roof.
Stay tuned I will let you know how it all turned out.
sending love
g
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Just before Mothers Day
It was lovely today. Andre spent most of the day working on his honey doo list and I spent most of it sleeping. I love sleeping. Somebody told me that it was my body's way of saying 'you go away for awhile while we work" I like that.
So lets see, aside from nausea and fatigue I discovered last night that I am having an injection site reaction. That just means a red spot the size of a lemon where the needle went in last Sunday.
My living room is currently full of new bathroom stuff. Shawn stopped by today and he is going to start the reno on the 27th. I will have a soaker tub. I plan to stay in it until this treatment is over. Once in a while I may let the water out just to change the bubble bath but then its back in.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. Beth and Ryan are both being very sensitive to my need to keep it quiet. Of course I will appreciate the gifts. For that matter, now that they are all grown up I really appreciate them.
I hope its nice tomorrow. I want to sit on my swing in the backyard and take it one hour at a time.
sending love
g
So lets see, aside from nausea and fatigue I discovered last night that I am having an injection site reaction. That just means a red spot the size of a lemon where the needle went in last Sunday.
My living room is currently full of new bathroom stuff. Shawn stopped by today and he is going to start the reno on the 27th. I will have a soaker tub. I plan to stay in it until this treatment is over. Once in a while I may let the water out just to change the bubble bath but then its back in.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. Beth and Ryan are both being very sensitive to my need to keep it quiet. Of course I will appreciate the gifts. For that matter, now that they are all grown up I really appreciate them.
I hope its nice tomorrow. I want to sit on my swing in the backyard and take it one hour at a time.
sending love
g
Thursday, May 8, 2008
May 8th, 2008
Dear Blog,
Well, day 2 of blogging and I'm not bored yet. How about you? Want to hear about how much I have wanted to throw up all day? Can't though. Must keep the meds down. Are we having fun yet?
Tobin, my angel of a nurse from the Positive Care Clinic says to take it one day at a time, and if you can't do that then one hour at a time. Today I am taking it one minute at a time.
My friend Pat says my editing is terrible. He is right of course, but I think it gives my work character. However, I am trying.
Subject for today; Who is blog. I am trying to decide if I am writing to everyone, to someone or to myself (cause I so love the sound of my own thoughts). So, in the end I have decided that Blog is an entity unto itself. Sort of like Shrek. Only I think Blog is a big squishy sea creature that rises out of the water sometimes when I go there to meditate. I think it is a he, although I can't be sure. Anyway, he has big huge liquid eyes the size of dinner plates and he can sit half in and half out of the water when he wishes. He makes sympathetic clucky noises and when he feels like I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself he goes back into the water with a big tail splash as he goes.
Its hard today as I am feeling very sick. The "how can I do this for 48 weeks" sort of sick. It doesn't matter that the sun is wonderful or that my tulips are blooming or that this Sunday is Mothers day. All I can think of is how am I going to get through Mothers Day?
I must remember that even if I feel like I would have to rally to die, each day on the Interferon is a day that the Hepatitus is not having a picnic in my liver. The disease is too busy fighting the treatment to picnic.
By the way, if anyone reading knows anyone with Hep C please feel free to pass this site along. It is such a lonely disease. It might help.
Ok Blog, go back to the ocean. I'm going to watch TV. Here's a kiss for your big wet nose.
sending love
gayle
Dear Blog,
Well, day 2 of blogging and I'm not bored yet. How about you? Want to hear about how much I have wanted to throw up all day? Can't though. Must keep the meds down. Are we having fun yet?
Tobin, my angel of a nurse from the Positive Care Clinic says to take it one day at a time, and if you can't do that then one hour at a time. Today I am taking it one minute at a time.
My friend Pat says my editing is terrible. He is right of course, but I think it gives my work character. However, I am trying.
Subject for today; Who is blog. I am trying to decide if I am writing to everyone, to someone or to myself (cause I so love the sound of my own thoughts). So, in the end I have decided that Blog is an entity unto itself. Sort of like Shrek. Only I think Blog is a big squishy sea creature that rises out of the water sometimes when I go there to meditate. I think it is a he, although I can't be sure. Anyway, he has big huge liquid eyes the size of dinner plates and he can sit half in and half out of the water when he wishes. He makes sympathetic clucky noises and when he feels like I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself he goes back into the water with a big tail splash as he goes.
Its hard today as I am feeling very sick. The "how can I do this for 48 weeks" sort of sick. It doesn't matter that the sun is wonderful or that my tulips are blooming or that this Sunday is Mothers day. All I can think of is how am I going to get through Mothers Day?
I must remember that even if I feel like I would have to rally to die, each day on the Interferon is a day that the Hepatitus is not having a picnic in my liver. The disease is too busy fighting the treatment to picnic.
By the way, if anyone reading knows anyone with Hep C please feel free to pass this site along. It is such a lonely disease. It might help.
Ok Blog, go back to the ocean. I'm going to watch TV. Here's a kiss for your big wet nose.
sending love
gayle
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Its raining. It's Wednesday and I am on my third day of treatment for a disease that has been quietly killing me for 30 years.
On the May 24th weekend 30 years ago I ruptured my spleen while quite pregnant and needed 10 pints of blood to save me and my baby. All my adult life I pictured ten wonderful loving souls who gave "the gift of life" to me.
Turns out I had to be greatful to a guy named Bubba in a cell somewhere in the good old USA who was selling his tainted blood for cigarette money. It would be really funny if it wasn't so serious.
I discovered I was infectedin 2004 and so, for the last eight years I have living the on the roller coaster that comes with this sort of challenge. Fortunately I love to sleep because I am doing alot of it. I discovered that anti-depressants are yummy. The seratonin buzz really makes life worth living. I can't work anymore so I get to sleep as late as I like (see sleeping again it will be a re-occuring theme.)
So, more about me. I am 54 years old, mostly a writer, a mother and a wife and a child of God. I am counting heavily on the latter these days. I am blogging this journey because every one who knows me says "oh you should write this all down" Like pulling a rabbit out of my..... anyway.... One of the worst parts of dealing with Hep C is that you feel very alone with the disease. IF you have breast cancer you can't spit without hitting a survivor or a network or something. There seems to be something quietly shameful about Hep C I always feel compelled to tell people I got it through a blood transfusion. Like it take some of the stigma off it. Well that is my hangup isn't it. There isnothing shameful aboutbeing ill. No matter what the problem or how you got it. I have always believed that for others so why not for me?
Note to self: Work on that one.
And so this is my journey. Through the darkness into the light on the other side. Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy flight.
On the May 24th weekend 30 years ago I ruptured my spleen while quite pregnant and needed 10 pints of blood to save me and my baby. All my adult life I pictured ten wonderful loving souls who gave "the gift of life" to me.
Turns out I had to be greatful to a guy named Bubba in a cell somewhere in the good old USA who was selling his tainted blood for cigarette money. It would be really funny if it wasn't so serious.
I discovered I was infectedin 2004 and so, for the last eight years I have living the on the roller coaster that comes with this sort of challenge. Fortunately I love to sleep because I am doing alot of it. I discovered that anti-depressants are yummy. The seratonin buzz really makes life worth living. I can't work anymore so I get to sleep as late as I like (see sleeping again it will be a re-occuring theme.)
So, more about me. I am 54 years old, mostly a writer, a mother and a wife and a child of God. I am counting heavily on the latter these days. I am blogging this journey because every one who knows me says "oh you should write this all down" Like pulling a rabbit out of my..... anyway.... One of the worst parts of dealing with Hep C is that you feel very alone with the disease. IF you have breast cancer you can't spit without hitting a survivor or a network or something. There seems to be something quietly shameful about Hep C I always feel compelled to tell people I got it through a blood transfusion. Like it take some of the stigma off it. Well that is my hangup isn't it. There isnothing shameful aboutbeing ill. No matter what the problem or how you got it. I have always believed that for others so why not for me?
Note to self: Work on that one.
And so this is my journey. Through the darkness into the light on the other side. Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy flight.
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